Silent Tears

Thoughts complex like mathematical equations.All kind of worldy persuasions, got me looking out the window dazing. Minutes turn to hours and months into years, who will quiet my silent tears. They overflow like the waves raging in a sea, got my walls up to sheild me from fear.

Dark Place

This dark place I find myself ends but always seem to find its way back. The light is at the end of the tunnel out of arms reach. I stretch myself to touch a glimpse of the light I see, so close it's actually blinding me.Life is a journey one I must embrace, it's a constant race trying to arrive at that peaceful place. Will I ever arrive, though I constantly strive? The thought of this brings tears to my eyes. I don't understand the constant sacrafice and constant compromises. The hurt I feel inside is real, inside my cries echo peace be still. Just when I think I have it all together, my whole life before me seems to unravel. My heart resembles that of shack , torn and shattered will it ever be in tact. Nobody would understand the pain and agony I feel. They would probably dismiss it as a joke and think she can't be for real. The mind battles cloud my future, and keeps me focused on my today. Please God help me is what I pray.

Greatest Gifts

The greatest gift that God could have ever given me was the gift of carrying three beautiful children. My life, my body, my spirit and mind were greatly altered. They are more to me than mere words can describe. When I look at them I see myself, their father, my mom, my dad, my sisters and brothers. Because of them, I won't die. I will live on through them. Each of them have different personalities that will impact this world greatly. I know they are blessed and highly favored. When I think of them and the fact that I carried them each for nine months, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I was chosen to carry greatness in my womb, and through me passed three of the greatest individuals I know. I will forever be thankful to their dad for connecting with me just for the purpose of bringing forth life!!!! We ended but they will live on. To my three children Nisha, Vernon Jr and Dylan, thanks for being three of the greatest gifts possible.

They Expanded My Heart

One day my soul just opened up and welcomed in three beautiful girls who would change my life. My heart has expanded and the feeling of love I have overflows. I always wanted to have another girl, but really didn't want to go through the whole pregnancy experience again. God answered three times and blessed me with a man who has three beautiful, intellengent, quirky, fun, loving, and sweet little girls. I love each the same but differently. I have a special connection with Amber because we have so much in common. Her spirit is so gentle and she is brilliant and has not yet tapped into. I know God has placed me in her life for a reason. Warryn is a hard lover just like me. She comes across with a strongness like a bull but on the inside of her is a core of love and gentleness. And Ashtyn, a ball of personality who has my same Zodiac sign. With her, you never know what you will get from one moment to the next. She is a joy and will bring sun on a cloudy day. I am so grateful to be a part of their lives!!!!!

"HE"

He colors my world.He is the yin to my yang.My heart beats to the melody of our beautiful love song.The glow of my skin is a reflection of him, my soul twin.Our love has no beginning or ending, it transcends time and space.

Hello, this is me...

I am A woman who is well aware of who I AM, why I AM and what I AM. I have realized the power that I used to search for outside of myself is within me. The same blood that runs through my veins ran through the blood of my ancestors who had to endure so much, but were overcomers on every level. Through that realization I am able to remain STRONG in the face of adversity. I am a woman who through adverse circumstances have found a strength that can't be broken. My past I embrace because I now realize it was boot camp to prepare me for what was to come. I am able to look back and realize why I had to go through, and am able to say smiling, THANK YOU. I have no regrets, but a praise on my lips to GOD because he knew that my past would mold me into the Michelle you all know and love today.I believe in the power of words. I believe in the power of my thoughts and KNOW for a fact that you can be what you want to be, and can have what you think you can have. I am excited about my future and those of you who will be a part of it ;0 {Especially one person in particular, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I AM so grateful that we've crossed paths!!} I love the person I have evolved into and am still evolving into. The evolution of Michelle continues. It does not yet appear what I shall be. This is only preface of a coming attraction.......to be continued.

Beautiful, Odd, Me!

My skin resembles a glow as if it the sun fell out of the sky and lightly brushed my cheek.
My hair is as soft and fluffy as the whitest cloud in the ocean blue sky.
My lips are as soft as the wool on a lamb.
My skin to touch feels likes that of a new born babe.
My hips thick and bottom flat, all uniquely beautiful, yes, I got it like that.

Simple Complication

Simple. Complication. Worth it.
Loving you, simple.Our connection, simple.Being with you,simple.Lauging with you, simple.Your touch, simple.Your kiss, simple.You calling me beautiful, simple.Missing you, complication.Not waking up next to you, complication.Not feeling you next to my skin every night, complication.Not having you to come home to, complication.Knowing I will have you forever, makes all the complications simple.

Don't Pass Me By

My heart is breaking damn near aching the heaviness too much to bear.Nothing has happened in particular to cause these feelings to be there.I am feeling down and feeling low, the hopelessness seems to hinder my flow.Daily I affirm to see a change in my life, and dream of things I want to appear.All around me blessings are flowing, but they seem to pass me by.Some may so don't question God, but I can't help but ask him why.

Divine Connection

Our love like an ocean goes far beyond what the eye can see.
It reaches in places that are only felt, not touched.
It is a love so powerful it has to be sent from above.
It continues to ascend like a tower with such force and power.
When our paths crossed, neither was looking for love.
It just so happened love came looking for us.
Never once did we place restraints, we let our guards down allowing spirit to take rank.
Our love flows beautifully because we've allowed it to have its way.
No interruptions, just our sweet embrace.

Forever connected by spirit and soul.
We have vowed to let God take full control.
Giving him praise always for this divine union.
Our hearts are always in beautiful communion.
We are blessed to be able to share such a sweet love.
Our lives are enriched, thank you God from above.
Thanking God always for giving you to me to cherish and love!

Reflection Check

Being connected with God requires nothing of us, the connection just is. I do believe however that having a RELATIONSHIP with God requires something of us. We are contingent upon God for our very existence. Because HE is, we are. In the hustle and bustle of it all, we need to pause and be thankful to him for pure existence. We only acknowledge his presence whenever we feel we need him not knowing he is always there. We feel we have lost connection, but that is not the case at all. WE have just failed to acknowledge him. Just because a baby does not acknowledge that it needs an umbilical cord for survival does not mean it ceases to survive. It is the same with our connection with God, we never lose a connection we just forget about the connection and fail to give thanks. God breathed into us the breath of life, without his breath, we cease to exist. Our thoughts are very minimal; we cannot think beyond the natural and realize we are spirit. God is our umbilical cord; we need him to sustain us. We need to PAUSE and realize who our creator is and be an example of his existence in our lives. Stop and ask yourself, am I a light, am I an example of his existence in my life? We were created in him image, does your reflection show any glimpse of HIM at all? When I was pregnant with my second child, I did not know I was pregnant nor did anyone else, but they noticed something was different about me, a sort of glow. Well, our connection with God should cause people to see a difference in us.

Old Blog Entry: Life Changes

This is an old blog entry after I filed for divorce!


My life has taken a complete and total change. It was as if I was taken by storm and the key to surviving a storm is to be prepared, but I was not prepared so I was completely overwhelmed, devastated, and shaken, but today I am glad to say that I see clearly and I am standing firm knowing what my purpose was in the midst of this storm. I thank God for friends, family and co-workers who spoke life to me when I was lifeless...... Who spoke hope to me when I was hopeless ..... Who helped me to see that there is life after death, and death in this sense means the loss of something (relationship, self, job, physical) that once was but is no more.... This loss for me was a marriage that I thought would last forever, but today, it is no more. I have experienced the lowest point, and am now seeing that there is life after death, and that everything in this life happens to teach us a lesson so that we may speak life in someone else that experiences death, and teach them lessons because of our experience. How can we teach unless we have been taught? It is not possible. I have so much to share that it is unreal, and I will share more later. I have been inspired to write poetry as it relates to my situation, and I know it will help others. It is time for me to shut this cpu down and clock out...... LoVe 4 Real
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Tuesday September 5, 2006 - 02:56pm (PDT) Edit Delete Permanent Link 0 Comments

Mystery of Me

Beyond the layers of me are hidden mysteries
silent struggles tried to emerge and get the best of me
deep within my soul was a deep dark hole
overflowing with frustrations, digust and self hate
Constantly feeling like no one else could relate
I didn't want these feelings to overtake me
the spirit within me longed to make me free
constant thoughts of insanity that I had to come
face to face with thoughts in my head that was full of false impressions and illusions, but not the reality of me.
It was hard to face the person inside so I conceded to let
Spirit be my guide.
The I AM led me into a place of pure bliss, free from insanity, illusions, and
rreleased me into authenticity, truth is I am that I AM and nothing less
I am nothing but the best...truth is I am that I am and no-one can speak
anything else I am in touch with the real me not false impressions, illusions, but the reality of me....

Rebirth Through Disconnection

Two years ago I cried over a man who dogged me out, made me question my sanity and nearly stripped me of my self- esteem. I spent nights crying out to God to save and restore my marriage. I walked around shamed-faced thinking that I had failed at keeping my family together. I blamed myself.

God used that divorce to break me down only to build me back up and prepare me to be fit for a king. My self esteem is no longer in question. I love myself today more than I ever have in my thirty four years.

I have been reborn and am now experiencing the true meaning of “LOVE”.

True love can only be experienced in its fullness by those who love themselves. I loved myself enough to know that God would give me the desires of my heart.

I experienced hardships while dating but when I made up mind that settling was no longer an option; I began to gravitate towards men who favored me. I still had some men who weren’t meeting my standards. Yes, I actually had a list. But I knew I couldn’t falter.

I am not in the fixing up business. I didn’t expect perfection, but I did expect my thoughts and desires to manifest just as I’d prayed.

I began to write a letter to my “Man to be.” I didn’t have an image of this man; I just knew he would be coming because my thoughts were in line for him to come into my life.

Well ladies, he arrived September 27th, 2008 and we haven’t skipped a beat since. I’m particularly flooded with emotion because my manifestation is before me, the best relationship of my life.

When I cry at night now, it is because I am thankful to Him for what is right before me and what I see out in the distance. I praise God now for a divorce that I once cried out for him to save. I had to go through that to save myself and be free to receive what He had in store for me.

I must say that I am beyond love and a new word needs to be implemented to describe what we have. This relationship has been one that I’ve embraced; I’ve let engulf me and allow myself to be suffocated in. The emotions and feelings between us are so potent, we’re left speechless… leaving us, almost in a dream-like state.

Everything that I thought I wanted, needed and desired in a man has manifested before my eyes. He is so good to me! Everywhere we go people take notice, make compliments, and admire what we have. It is such a flow, and wow…. TEARS! He is my soul twin.

Where I end, he begins. True happiness. Destiny- fulfilled.

I promise there is that “ONE” who will arrive in your life that will you leave you breathless and makes you feel like you are the baddest thang walking this earth even if you feel you aren’t. Doesn’t mind professing and letting the world know that you are his girl and then truly make you feel like the Queen you are.

I am happy sister who wants happiness for others. Pass it on.

He comletes you, Say What?!

In order to connect with someone else, fulfillment should be found in yourself first. You should never attach to anyone looking for them to complete you in any form or fashion. From personal experience, that search will you lead you to a dead end road. We as women want that man to come along and lift us up where we belong, but I've found out that we need to lift ourselves up first and let that man meet us there. We try to connect with people thinking that is going to result in wholeness, but if you connect as a half you will remain that way because no other person will be able to complete you. Completeness comes from within.
I vowed that I would never get into another relationship in a broken state. I wanted to be healed from inside out completely. It is not fair to the other person to experience part of you. You don't go to look for a car at the junk yard. You want the best so in order to attract the best; you have to be the best. Mess attracts mess, i.e. emotional issues, unresolved relationships issues, low self-esteem... etc. If you get into a relationship thinking that the other person can fill a void, you will find yourself becoming frustrated because that person can not do it and should have to bear the responsibility of dealing with your issues. All of these should be resolved before connecting with anyone. When attaching yourself to anyone that person is meant to enhance you, not complete you.

Hoodwinked? Perhaps!

how does it feel to be hoodwinked into thinking that life is one way but it totally different than what you have been taught. i sometimes sit and wonder how my life would be had i not been programmed into thinking certain ways about life. for example, i grew up believing that God was an outside entity totally seperate from myself. i grew up judging people based on their religious affiliation. for example, if you weren't baptist then you were going to be sentenced to a life of fire and brimstone. it wasn't until to a few years back that i my life took a drastic 360 as it relates to my way of thinking about God and who God is and where he exists. I am not asking for anyone to agree with me, but be open minded. This was life changing for me and changed the way I see myself. God is in all! God is everywhere! He is omni present(Omnipresence is the ability to be present in every place at any, and/or every, time; unbounded or universal presence. It is related to the concept of ubiquity, the ability to be everywhere at a certain point in time. ) That in a nutshell sums it up for me. We try to place limits on God, but guess what, that is impossible. He is in each and everyone of us. Even the worst of us. The reason people are bad generally is because they don't know who they are. God breathed into us the breath of life. WE are made in his image(form; appearance; semblance: We are all created in God's image), and in his likeness (The state, quality, or fact of being like; resemblance. An imitative appearance; a semblance.A pictorial, graphic, or sculptured representation of something; an image) This let's me know that the very fabric of my being should always reflect God. we don't want to be on the same level as God, but the aforementioned statements is enough for me to know who I am and who resides within me. WE are already equipped with love, because loves resides with in us, thus we are love. WE are hope because hope resides within us. remember God breathed into us life, he is within us, but we look outwardly for that love, peace, and hope, not knowing that to go inward is to go to that very thing that we are seeking for on the outside. We are so powerful, but don't know it. Not only are we human beings, which is a mere fraction of who we are, but we are spiritual beings, God beings. the outside is a mask that hides the internal truth of who we really are. low self esteem would not be an issue if people know "WHO" they really are. I am so in love with myself, because God is within me and to not love myself is to not love GOD!

Love hard or not at all!

Do I love too hard? Maybe, but I will not stop loving people the way I want to be loved. One day that intensity will be matched. Right now, I will settle for people loving me the way they know how.

No agenda
Today I am in a state of pure bliss I have no awareness of time no particular thoughts just me alone with me.... Sometimes in order to exist you have to step down from the daily grind and just become one with you, and I am learning to break away from those outward thoughts and become one with me. It doesn't matter what is going on around me. I am learning to separate in order to exist with me----spirit…..GOD. It's funny when you go within and take a look and notice how there is a void and that void can be filled with you taking step back and noticing that you need to feed your own soul----- the food consists of time, time alone with yourself, your spirit needs to be fed with quiet time---- for in the quiet times the spirit can reveal himself to you... I love the quietness it releases a peace; the silence allows me to hear from within.

Distorted Reflection Made Clear

As I look in the mirror my reflection stares back at me, mirroring a woman who was once in agony.
Hurt was so pungent others could sense the pain, inwardly, quietly, starting to feel insane.
Reflections of shame, people whispering my name, all along knowing I was caught up in a game.
A game of love quickly replaced with self hate, I am sure others feel me and can certainly relate.
Self-esteem was so low, always covering up and putting on a show to distract others from seeing the distorted broken me.
A reflection of a woman so obviously weak yet professing I was strong, secretly singing a sad song.
Reflections of constantly comparing myself to others, when knowing I was so different than any other.
Unique yet beautiful in my own rite, the creator made no mistakes; he'd created me in his own sight.
The reflection becomes clear to me and now I can see, and appreciate the reflection of the true whole me.
The game of hate is now replaced with love, I found it within and it comes from above. Low self-esteem has been replaced with pride, pride of who I am, a strong woman inside. Reflections of weakness have been replaced with power mirroring a woman whose strength ascends like a tower.

amazing

amazing was the day when I met you
amazing was the day when you said I love you
amazing are the thoughts of us being together forever
amazing is me waking up every morning next to you
amazing is me and you!