NIGGAZ EYEZ

A woman's beauty is undeniable. From the slimness or thickness of our waists, to the way our thighs are curved like a perfect "S", right down to our azzes or lack thereof seems to send off a automatic signal in a man's brain that it is GAWKING time. It is almost a hypnotic trance often followed with a sudden uncontrollable outburst out of , "GOD DAMN." Those two words mean that what a niggaz eyez witnessed is like WOAH OR sometimes NOT. I've seen these mesmerizing glares and hypnotic stares by men everywhere I go. The majority of the men I seeare broken down needing to be held up on a kickstand. I know that everyone has eyes and they can look wherever but GOSH DARN IT, can you if you must stare at least give a casual wave. Don't just stare like that, makes me nervous. I've seen men stop right dead in the middle of the street holding up the traffic behind him just to sneak a peak of that woman's physique. Men will hang out windows yelling rude obscenities that they obviously they think are nice gestures but really bug and irritate the shiznit out of us women, and why oh why are these USUALLY passengers????? If that is not the tackiest display of ignorance I've seen, then my name isn't Michelle. Men in cars with their significant others will also sneakingly or blatantly give in to that urge to stare... this being the utmost form of disrespect. I can understand looking and taking pleasure in what you see, but to undress that woman with your eyes in front of your mate is just downright distasteful. We can admire the beauty without crossing the line, and I am talking about men now who cross lines. I am beginning to think that a niggaz eyez control him, he doesn't control them or does he????? I understand that men are visual creatures and all but when you turn into just a creature who salivates at a woman every chance given my advice is to seek advice.

Thank You!!!!!

I am really thankful right now. I have my life, my health and my strength. I could probably find things to complain about, but I am positive I can find just as much to be thankful for. So, thanks to God, the universe, & ultimate creator for allowing me to be.

Thank You!!!

Dedicated to Pepper

Above is a picture of "Pepper." I wanted a dog and despite the many warnings of how huge of responsiblity they were, I went ahead and decided to get one. Boy, was I in for a huge surprise. The first time I laid eyes on Pepper via a picture from the Internet on February 14th, 2009, I cried. He was so beautiful and tiny; I knew then I had to drive almost two hours to get him. My friend LaNesha rode with me also going to get Pepper's sister Jayde. We were very excited. Prior to our trip, we went to Petco picking up all the necessary items for a brand new puppy. I easily spent almost $1,000.00. We arrived at the kennel to pick up our babies, and the minute I saw Pepper our eyes locked and I held him like a newborn baby. On the ride home, Pepper whined all the way. I felt bad because I couldn't hold him neither did I know how really. I was scared but anxious to learn about how to care for a dog. My boyfriend was a great help.

The first night Pepper started of sleeping with me, then into his kennel he went. I didn't know anything about puppies. I had no clue I would be up during the night with him like a newborn or have my early morning slumber interrupted because I had to take him out. It was much more than I had bargained for. I stayed on the phone with my BF seeking advice, scared by every move that Pepper made that seemed abnormal to me but was normal. He laughed at me because I was so nervous. During my lunch I would drive all the way home and take him out. This got old really quick. I begin complaining and my boyfriend ended up taking him home with him which initially was supposed to be a week but ended up being three months until we decided to get rid of him Labor Day weekend when we had to go Kansas City and could find nobody to keep Pepper. So needless to say, Pepper is no longer with us. He is with a lady that works at the EZ-Mart gas station. My boyfriend stopped to get gas and asked if anyone wanted him and she said YES, once she saw him, she was sold. I do miss Pepper, I must admit.

Vending Machine Blessing

Yesterday I get this sweet tooth and decided to go to the vending machine . I stood there as I usually do contemplating over my selection. I finally decided on a Reese's Cup which is .90 cents by the damn way for two chocolate covered peanut butter circles... MMMPH. I thought to myself as I put my money in the machine that this is highway robbery. I can go to walmart and buy a package of almost 20 Reese's cups for that price, but if your craving is as strong as a smoker who is trying to quit, you will pay whatever price to ease the craving. I was utterly disgusted to have to pay that amount. In a recession, all this shit needs to be .50 cents or free... so much for wishful thinking. Everything seems to shoot straight up like an airplane the older we get, and although we complain, we still pay whatever price because we have no other choice.

Well, this morning, even though I complained and ranted yesterday about having to pay that .90 cents, I go again to the vending machine to get my morning breakfast, POPTARTS. I put in a $1.00 and out pops a package of Poptarts. My dime in change didn't drop so I immediately wonder what the hell is going on. Surely to goodness they aren't going to swindle me for my .10 cents... surely not. Amid that thought, another package of Poptarts drops out, and then another.... As bright eyed as a puppy dog, I am thinking to myself, I get three packages of poptarts for the price of one. Of course I share the love and give one to my greedy co-worker. Oh, and I did get my .10 cents in change back after my blessings dropped. All I can say is, Isn't God Great; I didn't get swindled, but I swindled but not on purpose.

Golden Time of Day!!!!

How do I love thee, let me tell you all of the ways!


My weekdays are consumed with subliminal thoughts of you!


I wake up in the morning with anticipations of you!



The weekends bear no thought of you.


The closer you get, the happier I become!


When you finally make your arrival, I am UP & Out!!!

My Saving Grace

This blog is set aside specifically for me as a place I can get completely naked mentally and emotionally without any outside constraints. I am free to shed all exterior masks and just pour out the very depths of my heart and soul. When I am happy, I blog. When I am sad, I blog.... I blog just for the "Blog of it." I invite who I please to have access to my blogs. I am leary on the people I allow direct access to because I only want to share parts of myself with certain individuals. I may not want people to know what my insecurities are who I know will take advantage of that, or I may not want people to know about my relationship because they aren't geniunely happy for me. It's on a case by case basis. I love that about blogs. I have the option to keep you in my business or out of it. Right now, it is public, but the liklihood of someone I know just running across it is slim to none! Random people are not a concern of mine!! I will be a blogger for as long as I have words that erupt from the very fiber of my beings. It's like I have random urges to pour out my soul in words. My blog is my saving grace.

My Insecurities silenced....

The ugly truth is: I, Michelle as confident as I am has an insecurity that cripples me, and bombards my every thought even though I try to supress it, it manages to rear its ugly head. Not with myself, but within the confines of my relationship. I've known this, but didn't want to attach " insecure" with how I was feeling because honestly, it's taken me thirty four years to be comfortable in my own skin. My insecurities stem from past relationships with family and a marriage that ended in divorce. I have this embedded and hidden fear that whatever relationship I am in will end in disaster, and that those I love will walk away with not warning leaving me to pick up the brokebn pieces, as I have had to do so many times before.

I am so fearful of this that it makes me sick to my stomach. My fear and insecurity scares me because of my belief in the law of attraction and I do believe wholeheartedly that " What I think about, I bring about," so I definitely don't want to have my thoughts regarding my relationship laced with negativity. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he's given me no reason to believe that I am not "the one" he wants, but do they ever. So this is something I have to personally deal with and realize that it is all a risk and a gamble, and with my thoughts, I can control the outcome better. It's not him that's causing me to feel insecure, it's me and my managing to conjure up different scenarios that have not even happened yet. The realization of this insecurity came to me from HIM.

Yes, I was angry when he called me insecure and I lashed out because I was hurt but deep down inside I knew this to be the case. Apparently, he knows me beyond that exterior that is used to mask deep seated hurts from the past that I thought I'd gotten over. I gave him every reason in the book that I was "NOT" insecure when knowing full well that what he was saying was true. I let him know this morning that I was sorry and he knew me better than I thought he did. He silenced my insecurity by telling me that there is always going to be someone prettier and better, but HE chose to be with me and his objective was our relationship. He loves me and his not going to leave; he is here! Immediately a shackle was removed and a heavy weight was lifted. I've not felt this free in years. I have always had a feeling of inadequacy and someone else being better.

I thought I'd dealt with this, but there was apparently some residule issues lingering that have now been swept away with the many other issues I've had to deal with. IT was his affirmation that I needed. Since we've been together, I've felt safe and secure, but past relationships tend to spill over into new relationships and will hinder the flow if not deal with. Today, I can happily say that, My insecurties have been silenced and put to rest. I am good to be loved and everybody that comes into my life will not leave. This relationship is new and I will not allow the past to come in and cast a negative shadow over something that is so positive.

Something smells skunky!!!!

I am a lover of things that have nice smells. I am not; however, a lover of those things with not so pleasant smells that leave you with a headache the size of TEXAS! To me, a person who dousts on a gallon of cheap perfume and comes into a office is a rude as a person who passes gas and doesn't acknowledge it with an, "excuse me." They should at least announce that they have a fragrance on that may singe the hairs in my nostrils. I must give credit to cheap perfume in that its scent goes on and on until the break of dawn although its smell is as pungent as a freshly hit skunk on a country roadside. If you must go cheap, you must lessen the squirts.

Rule of thumb: If the perfume comes from anywhere other than a notable department store and was not made prior to the millineum, really you shouldn't squirt, but if you must, limit to one squirt and NOT an all over body squirt. Just squirt on the bottom of the foot dammit!

WOMAN DOWN.......... going to get me some oxygen for those funky perfume squirters who have me about comatose.

Music, My Love

I want to dedicate this blog to music.

Without music in my life, I would be like an empty canvas with no colors to adorn it. Music simply transitions me into a place of solitude and tranquility, joyfulness and peace, happiness or sadness. It simply is a medium in which I rely on a lot to get me through those moments I don't think I'd seem to otherwise make it through. Music is like writing to me; it is my healer and is a way for me to release any negative emotions that may seem to grip me. It is a way for me to communicate without actually having to conjure up the right words to say. I close my eyes and allow the melodies to make love to my eardrum. I have a lyrical appetite for tantalizing sounds, and I allow the music to flow through me and satisfy every craving that I may have. I am able to recognize every instrument distinctively; I listen for them individually and appreciate every stroke of the drum and every breathe of air the moves through the trumpet, or saxaphone or whatever wind instrument is being used. It is more than a good lyricist who brings life to the song.....it is simply music and everyone who participates to make it a meaningful and joyful experience.

RUDEASSNESS

Thee Letter Invasion P-M-S!

I am feeling a little blue today........ and it amazes me that every month I have to go through a period of severe sadness as if I've lost a loved one and haven't lost anything other than control of my emotions to let Queen PMS REST, RULE & ABIDE. A lot of people discount the symptoms of PMS, but I've found these to be very real. My mood is altered slightly. I am not a bitch which I am grateful for because some women just turn into a whole other CREATURE and need the priest to come over and perform exorcism. I just become a ball of emotions which is unfortunate for me because I am naturally overly sensitive and I am extra clingy. I aslo have a strong craving for anything sweet particuarly chocolate. A lot of men discount these feelings as all in the "mind" and think women use these symptoms as an excuse to act ignorant or not divy out the goodies. It's funny to me because I don't really like being vulnerable or to have my moods altered without my PERMISSION. PMS comes in without notice, takes over me, and unfortunately, I have to submit to it. I am generally pretty much in control of my emotions but during this time, I am forced to scoot over and let my emotions go haywire before leveling off....URGH!!!! I hate that I am this emotional with no reason other than a three letter word who is the culprit... oh well, the joys of being a woman.

Like Soul

When I met the man you see above a year ago, my life changed. My views on love changed. I was literally swept up in a beautiful whirlwind of happy feelings. I have been kissed before, but never have I felt the power behind a kiss the way I did when we first kissed . I've been embraced before but never felt the feeling behind an embrace the way I did when he touched me. I've been given smiles before but none has made me blush the way his smile does. I've had intriguing conversation before but none captured me and drew me in the way his did. This connection is as foreign to me as the chinese language. I try to understand it but am always mind boggled. I've never been loved like this before and am inhaling it like the very air I breathe. He believes in me, he knows me and most of all when I am silent he hears & feels me. The mere thought of us brings tears to my eyes. Indeed, this connection has made me believe in the power of soul mates. Relationships have a deeper meaning to me now. It's not just a connecting for the sake of having sex. It's a spiritual element that is involved. I sought God for a man who I would be able to connect with mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically & the fact that God heard and attended to my prayers is an indication to me that this man is the one who was set apart for me. I don't take this lightly; I don't abuse this joining together of two like souls. I give thanks and praise to the creator. I am happy to say that it has been a year since we connected, and there hasn't been a day of regret. Even on a cloudy day the sun manages to shine through because his love sees me through. Even in our disagreements, the love manages to evolve because we are learning each other even through those times. I love the heart and soul of this man. I feel him on a deeper level that goes beyond skin deep. When he hurts I hurt, when he worries, I worry. When he is happy, I am happy. I feel him pray for him and most of all, Love him. God really did it on this one.

Overflow

I feel something powerful inside of me but what it is has not been revealed to me. I know it's there, I can feel its tug, but what it is I can not divulge. Everyday I feel it more and more, I know I am right at destiny's door.

UGH, DON'T!!!!

Today has been a day of many interruptions. I am learning this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate it when I am not allowed to finish a complete thought. First of all, it is common courtesy not to interrupt. It is just plain rude!!! My thoughts are very important to me and while you may not want to hear them, at least let me release them.... WOOOSA!

RAMBLINGS

1. I know what I want, but I don’t know where to start.
2. I waste time worrying about my time being wasted.
3. If you fear, you have reseservations and limitations.
4. I just want to be successful operating in my full potential.
5. Love is beautiful when everyone is on one accord.
6. Death is much like the inception of life, in that you don't know what's in store for you, but it will happen with or without your consent. The only thing you have control over is the quality of life that you live.
7. There is not a time when I am not thinking about love, it stays on my brain.

Who cares?

People will always have an opinion about you. It can be a negative opinion or positive opinion. It can be some truth in it or not. Either way, at the end of the day another person's opinion of you should not move you unless you want it to. I want people to think the best of me, but honestly, I am not always at my best so expecting someone to ALWAYS have a positive view of you is not realistic. I hold myself in high esteem and regard so I really could care less about what anyone else thinks at the end of the day. That comes from knowing who you are.

WIDE OPEN

People will try to put up masks to hide their flaws, insecurities, fears, shortcomings, etc. I am learning to snatch away all the falsehoods and expose myself for the sake of healing another. My tough exterior was a hiding place for me and behind it hid, me, a woman who was so weakened by the cards that life had dealt me. It is amazing to me how people don't want to uncover their issues. They want to suffer alone thinking they are the only one who deal with personal demons . I've come to find on my beautiful struggle towards my true self, people are prone to be forthcoming with their issues once you've exposed your issues to them... it's almost like a, " You tell me, then I'll tell you," syndrome, a safety blanket of sorts. We are put here to help each other and a huge part of that help involves learning from each others experiences. When I was going through a major life changing event, I felt alone & isolated, much of which I brought on myself by not speaking out due to a fear of being judged. What I discovered is opening up provided a release for me and allowed me to breathe. I was holding in a lot of anger that was literally driving me insane. Once I got over that fear of being judged and focused on my need for help, I found I was able to share a little bit more of what I was going through. And much to my surprise, I got a lot of great advice from women who had experienced what I was going through and was able to help me through this process. We all deal with some of the same issues and need to get over how people will view us if we are exposed. My past issues have served as a refiner needed to polish me and thrust me closer into my fullness thereof. I know that before I can operate in that fullness, I have to go through experiences that are not always going to be pleasurable. These experiences are serving as a catalyst for healing me and others. I just want to somehow inspire women to open up more and share their life experiences. Don't let your fear of being judged stop you from helping a sister heal herself. You could be that source of healing. Share your stories ladies... Someone, somewhere will be inspired. My fear is that nobody will want to hear what I haveto say, but I know this is not true. I know I have a story that will provide a source of hope and healing. If it is only one that I can help along the way, I will have served my purpose to Inspire, Share & Love! Women are drawn to me for encouragement and the man in my life says it is my gift and there's nothing I can do but embrace it so with my arms and heart WIDE OPEN, I am embracing the gift.

Who is the flyest of them all???

So fly you are scent so strong, there's no way that with you I can go wrong. What you will become resembles nothing like what you started as . I could go without knowing the gory details of the process that you have to go through to become that thing I love so much, want so much and need so much. I love you in so many ways no matter how you are presented to me; I appreciate your diversity to become so tasteful and delicious......fried and floured, baked or steamed, I love you Chicken, you'll never know what you mean.

First Love is Self Love.....

Is it possible to be in love if you haven't experienced the love of yourself. Love comes from within and if there's no love for self within how can one LOVE FOR REAL?! Just a thought!

Let's Go Green!!!!

There's never been a time when I yielded with you. My light has been green since the day I met you. I didn't put on the red and let my love go stopping for nothing, I stayed in that flow. With you I could clearly understand the pause, I was dropped on you before you knew what to do. It all felt right and we both felt the same way, but still you yielded and I went green all the way. There were times when I wanted to go red, but you said fall and I trusted what you said. I never let my fear get the best of me. I was scared of the feelings, but I knew my heart was willing and ready for your healing. I stayed on green and went with what I was feeling, and til this day, I never had a regret. I know what's in your heart but this fear you have needs to disappear. I'm giving you the greenlight and okay to go, don't put on your brakes and yield, just go ahead and trust how you feel. It's been a year so dispel the fear take off your breaks so we can take this love thing all the way.