I am ?

A few years ago I discovered what " I AM" truly means and it changed me in ways that I never thought it would. By discovering what the I am is, I discovered who I was. The way I felt about myself changed immediately. Low self esteem was replaced with the highest self esteem. Days of looking in the mirror and seeing myself as a mistake was now replaced with assurance that I was made in HIS image; the I AM! I was starring back at a woman who had been fashioned and formed after the very image of the I AM. I realized that to see myself in any other way than a postive light was also seeing the I AM in a negative light. I immediately began to change how I saw myself. I AM who HE is so I am never to degrade myself, belittle myself or others. I am still a work in progress and have to remind myself that I AM and so is everything and everyone around me. We are to remember this in our dealings with people. ALL OF US ARE A DERIVITIVE of the I AM. Think about this, When you introduce yourself to others you introduce your self by saying, I AM Michelle. It starts with the ( I AM) and it ends with the (I AM). I realized that I have to be very careful with what I attach to I am! We walk around saying things like I AM TIRED, I AM POOR, I AM NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING, I AM HOPELESS, I AM SICK, I AM DEPRESSED --- the I AM is GOD, so anything that follows I AM CAN NOT be negative. I am LIFE, I AM love, I AM PEACE, I AM HOPE, I AM WELL, I AM HEALTHY, I AM WHOLE, I AM FULL OF LIFE, I AM CREATIVE, I AM GIVING, I AM KIND, I AM ABUNDANT, I AM BEAUTIFUL . Anything else is a false reality that you have created. When you realize that I AM is GOD and you are a reflection of GOD, that which follows I AM will not be anything other than a TRUE depiction of who GOD IS. You can not be separated from the I AM; the I AM is your POWER SOURCE, and when that ceases to exist, you cease to exist. The spirit or I AM never dies; it is energy, YOU ARE ENERGY.. positive energy. I AM that I AM - so every time you say I AM realize that you are speaking in terms of GOD. Watch what follows I AM!

I am my own creator!

I can only control me. As much as I would like to control the actions of others, I am learning that MY life is the one in which God has assigned me CREATOR! I have wasted a lot of thought on others, when I should have been working on improving myself. Time for a much needed change.

Title Finally !

Rainbows in My Clouds!

Day 13

A letter to someone who has hurt me recently:

I wouldn't necessarily say this person hurt me but their expectations of me are so high and they see so much greatness in me and don't think that I am operating on my maximum potential that it frustrates him. So, this is my letter to HIM!

Dear You,

I want you to know that before your manifestation into my life, I didn't have an idea of a dream or how I wanted my life to go. I had been told repeatedly that I was doomed for failure and when we met, I was coming into enlightenment. I knew what talents and gifts I had but I didn't know how to bring life to them. Because of you and your ability to see through me and right into that place that holds greatness, what were blank pages now dance with my own words , and my dream of being an author is more than a mere imagination but a near reality. You had what it took to unleash the writer in me. You erased any fear I had and spoke LIFE into my very being and prophecied to me in such a way that provoked me to action. You've seen the very best in me and sometimes when I couldn't see it. I'm there now, I imagine and dream greater and I work towards my goal. You have helped me in more ways than you will realize, and for that I appreciate you always for that.

What I do not appreciate is this timeline you have for me. We are all on different paths traveling at different speeds with different destination times. You can't measure me by your works no more than I can measure you by mine. What you can do is continue doing what you've been doing for me and that is being an encourager, a motivator, and a friend. Don't threaten to walk out of my life... that causes injury. Although we are the same and have an unmatched connection, I am not you and you are not me. I love you and I want to share my successess, hurts, joys, pains, challenges, etc with you, but I need you to be consistent.

Allow me to evolve when I am supposed to evolve and not expose myself prematurely. Don't rush a budding rose!

I love you forever and after.

Day 9

I'm proud of myself for maintaining my sanity in the midst of insanity. That's all I will say on that matter.

Rest in Love Aunt Clara Mae

03/27/1951 - 02/15/2011

Yesterday I held the hand of a woman who took part in rearing me as she made her transition from this life to everlasting life. Although I understand death in that I don't fear it but welcome, it was still hard nonetheless. I had never ever saw this transition before and to hold her hand while her spirit left her body was gut wrenching. To see my very strong masculine cousins breakdown when their mother passed away was a feeling of deep sorrow. To see her daughters not be able to stand at her bedside upset me but later I regretted my choice to do so. She was such a precious being and I will always treasure and love her. I will honor her memory by living a life I know she desired. I will not mourn her death but celebrate her life as it goes on.

I love you Auntie!

Forever and ever after forever :)

Challenge Day 8

My short term goal for this month is to reach 50,000 words in my book!
Why because I owe it to myself to complete my goals.

Day 5

I've seen one of the seven wonders of the world, and it was an exhilerating experience. I was in awe and in great wonder. It is a great sight to behold.

Day 4 **UPDATE***

A habit I wished I didn't have is biting my nails. It's like I will put it in my mind not to and before I know it, I'm nailess.... been doing it since I was a child.


UPDATE:

I am no longer a nail biter! I made the decision to stop biting my nails. Whenever a stressful situation arrives I am cognizant of it, and don't resort to nail biting. I have never had nails before, and now I do and it is a beautiful thing.

Day 3 Challenge

These two are near and dear to me. We don't see each other often nor do we talk often, but when we reconnect it is as if there has been no seperation at all. I love them forever.

Day Two Challenge

What is the meaning behind my blogger name?

Well it is entitled the Gumbo of my life...

When I think of Gumbo, I think of a big bowl of yummy goodness with all kinds of ingredients that make up the whole of the dish. That is exactly how I view my life. There are lots of things have happened in my life, and things that will happen. All of these things are just forming the whole of who I will become. If you leave the okra out of the gumbo it wouldn't be the same. Same with my life, if you took away the hardships I've had to endure, I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today. So this blog is comprised of all the things/ingredients that make me who I am. Lessons, challenges, accomplishments, fears, weaknesses, strengths, ALL of it is my GUMBO.

Day One Challenge

A recent picture of myself:


15 Interesting Facts about myself:

1. My name is really spelled Michele but I spell it Michelle because I never went by Michelle growing up. I went by my nickname Toni. On my birth certificate my name is spelled with one L. I really need to get that fixed before it creates an issue for me on down the line.

2. I used to wet the bed until I was eight years old and suck my thumb until I was in 10th grade.

3. I still bite my fingernails out of habit! Working on changing that.

4. I often have conversations with myself and do not find this strange.

5. The top of my list of most desired things is being in love!

6. I believe that Gods greatest desire is for "HIM" to be realized in every living soul. I don't think that God is a separate entity, but he is ALL and in ALL.

7. I often cry when I think of my level of awareness and what I feel and think about God as opposed to when I was growing up. I feel that my own life would be drastically different if I had thought this way from the beginning of time.

8.I am very sensitive but am mistaken for being mean and this hurts my feelings, but I know the TRUE of who I am.

9. My feelings/emotions are so complex at times I don't even understand them. They are very powerful and sometimes take over me. I have to constantly guard my mind and my thoughts.

10.I do not watch T.V. anymore. I have one t.v. and it is in my closet. I think t.v. takes away from thinking for oneself which is why we are so brainwashed.

11. There are is more to me than meets the eye. I appear to be one way, but just when you think you know all of me, there are other parts waiting to be exposed!!!

12. I am the middle child of five children.

13. I belive in the afterlife, and am not afraid of death.

14. I pray to have visitations from my ancestors and also beckon them to assist me in the earth realm.

15. I'll love forever! No matter what!

Friends.....

I have realized that I can't be friends with everyone; my personality will not allow it.

Change Ahead

I desire for expansion of the mind on many levels, especially spiritually. Not in a religious sense either, but becoming more aware of MYSELF. I understand that my belief level may not be in line with some; however, the spirit, my inner voice, consciousness, never steers me wrong. I know I am aware of who GOD is and because of this, he leads me on different paths to validate my level of thinking otherwise I would think I was crazy. This journey of spiritual awareness is so refreshing to me. It impacts every thought and every feeling that I have. I don't need anyone to chastise me because I do it myself. I totally believe in the law of attraction and what I think, how I feel and what I say will definitely manifest into my reality. I literally TRY to monitor every thought I have and if my thoughts are not consistent with my desires I am able to rechannel them by changing my thoughts almost immediately. Deep breathing generally does the trick, but if that doesn't work I do affirmations, I listen to music that is full of joy or I look at photos of my children. Anything that evokes a good feelings is where I redirect my thoughts. I am so glad that I have control over my own thoughts and that I broke the cycle of feeling and thinking a certain way because it was imparted in me as a child. As life changes, so does certain belief systems and the way things were done. The way religion was taught to me as a child is not how I feel about it as an adult. I evolve daily... I grow daily. I seek to do good daily. I live in the NOW, present moment. If you continue to worry, fear, or stress about what wasn't done yesterday you will miss the opportunity to be present NOW. If you are so consumed with tomorrow you will miss the opportunity to be present NOW. Now is all we have so NOW should be all we focus on. When and if we get to tomorrow it will be NOW. I have a strong desire to be in a place where I am so in tune with spirit.. inner being, that nothing outside of that place _ VORTEX -- a constant whirl of energy, joy, peace, all things that are GOOD... can not be disturbed. I am going on a 30 day challenge to get more clarity mentally, spiritually. I need a BOOST and the only way for ME to do that is to disconnect from any outside distractions and become totally focused on me. I am watching what I consume and am taking in very little processed foods, meats, etc. I will be soaking up all the positivity I can. When I am finished with this I plan to be rejuvenated inside out.

Excerpt

I never dreamed of a wedding when I was a little girl because the example of a marriage placed before me was as raggedy as an old abandoned shack along a countryside road. It was literally in shambles with no sign of a remodel in sight. I don't even think a renovation was possible. I did not spend my days daydreaming of a flowy white dress or a handsome bride to greet me at the alter. Those thoughts never crossed my mind even once. All I ever imagined was peaceful days and restful nights when my parents were not arguing, but the opposite would always manifest.Days would be interrupted with an argument erupting out of nowhere and I would be awokened from a good nights sleep by yelling, the sound of objects being thrown about while I lay lay there wishing for normalcy. I hoped that they would dig deep and find that same love that brought them together so that their anger towards each other would be silenced. I wanted the love to come and silence the sound of hate. There always seemed to be a war going on in my immediate space and in my mind. Silent argumenents between my conscious and subconsious asking questions like, " Why did you have to place me with this family?" I thought God was really punishing me for something I'd done in a previous life unbeknownst to me. I never imagined my life to be anything more than a whirlwind of chaotic mishaps. Nothing good would become of me with this type of example placed before me. How could I be a wife, I could I be a good mother, what could I teach if I wasn't learning? Thinking ahead was a scary thought; I never saw myself as a good child, nor did anyone else or at least it was never told to me. Often I felt displaced as if I was dropped out of the sky and into a mysterious place where I did not belong..... to be continued!

Self Reminder

Reminding myself that when it looks like things are moving backwards, they are actually progressing forward. Every setback is a setup for a comeback. I am conditioning my mind to not look at current reality, but future destiny. I am staying in the right frame of mind as to create a condusive environment for the things I want. Negative thoughts have no place here because so much positive what has been promised. Sometimes I want just crumble but there's too much vested in me to do that. Too many lives depend on me being able to get through life challenges so I can tell my story.

For it all....

Thankful for where I've been.
Thankful for where I am.
Thankful for where I am going.
Just simply thankful for it ALL!

Hookah!

So, the best friend, i.e. ex boyfriend and I went to a local hookah bar & the experience itself was great; however, the ambiance was not. The Iranians were running it and of course, very knowledgeable, but the decor was on a low budget scale? We had the bright idea to just buy our own and that is what we did yesterday. We went into our favorite store, " Romancing the Stone," and we bought the hookah, coal, cleaning supplies, and attachment for $39.95. It was the best investment ever. After cruising downtown, and talking about our dreams, we went back to my place, assembled it (trial and error) and started smoking. The ambiance was nothing short of perfect, the music in the background was relaxing, and we allowed the sounds and savory inhalation of watermelon tobacco to relax us into a deep sleep with neither of us remembering the moment our eyes closed. We woke up and it was morning. Everyone should invest in a hookah.

My New La Casa!!!!!!

Flowing from my heart, thankfulness

As I woke up this morning, tears quickly filled my eyes as I began to feel the blessings of God around me. Even when I don't realize or acknowledge I'm blessed, the blessings are still present in my life. I took a moment to walk around my loft giving thanks to the most high for a second chance, another opportunity to have my own and THIS TIME, be mindful of his blessings. With every person who walks through my door, I want their to be a feeling of great peace, overwhelming love, a sense of calm. I am so thankful that I am in a position to worship and praise in my OWN place. I thank God in advance for all blessings in my life and that I am more of aware of them seen and unseen.