2010

As we are eleven hours away from a NEW YEAR, I am overjoyed and filled with glee of what the New Year as for me. I don't have a list of resolutions, but I have expectations for myself and I expect to do something major this year. I am realizing more and more that time moves even when we don't move with it. During those hours, minutes and seconds that are passing by is an opportunity to grab at destiny. I want a bookstore/cafe/lounge that is trendy, upscale with a New York feel to it. My time at Blue Cross has served me well; however, it's time to venture into business for myself. I am excited about the success around me and in the lives of people who are near and dear, but I am ready to bite off of some of it, taste it, get full off it and take a second bite. I am able to do whatever I put my mind to. 2010 is a year of new beginnings for me. I am ready to get it.

Truth: Hidden or Revealed

We ask for the "truth," but at times, I don't think we can handle it. Instinctively, I think truth is one of those things that we all say we want, but once we get it, we can't handle it. Some things are better not knowing at all.

Fatherless!

My dad and I aren't on speaking terms; this was a choice that I was forced to make after he made a comment about the gap in between my teeth. The relationship wasn't healthy and he wasn't doing anything to ensure that it ever would be. Every chance he gets, he belittles me, or makes a derrogatory comment about my personal appearance. All of my insecurities and low self esteem issues were brought on by him. You expect that in the streets, but not from someone who is supposed to protect you and shield you from the streets. It was I who reached out to him out of all five kids he had.........I was the one who visisted him when he came to town, or made calls to check to him. I've never felt a father daughter connection with my dad. I long for that type of connection. I can fool myself and say it's not necessary at this point in my life, but if that's the case, why do I cry when I see a father and daughter interacting in a way that I long for with my dad??? As for right now, I am okay, but I don't think that desire for "TRUE" father daughter relationship will ever go away. For all of you ladies, and girls out here in the blogosphere who happens to read this and have a dad who puts forth effort, cherish that.

Breakdown in Relationships: Part II

In part one, I gathered the thoughts of both men and women as to whether they thought all men cheated, and while the responses were different, they were similiar in that all men struggle with issues of cheating but not all act out. A lot of them do, and those are the men I wish to talk to find out what drives them to that point, if anything. I know of relationships where men have good women but that urge to cheat clouds their judgement, and they end up risking a good thing by succumbing to a few seconds of pleasure. What disturbs me further is the fact that these men say, " It meant nothing." If it means nothing then why even go there???

This is where I have an issue. If you do something, do it with a purpose and an intent behind it. The act of sex is treated as if it means nothing. It is one of the most spiritual acts between two people that can be performed, and for us to treat it so casually and do it with " NO PURPOSE" shows ignorance. While speaking to someone on this issue, they said that men are able to seperate their emotions, so for a man to engage in a sexual act with a woman with no feelings attached is normal. As for a woman, it is different. We are so emotionally involved in everything we do, it's hard for us to have casual sex with no feelings or emotions. Now that I think about it, what he said makes a lot of sense, but still.....

If you are in a relationship with someone, a committed relationship, I don't feel that having sex outside the confines of that relationship is right. IF you love, cherish, honor and respect this person, you will "think" carefully before you risk losing her, or causing her to hurt in a way that you know she will if she finds out you've cheated. Cheating to me is a symptom of an already present problem be it with the relationship, or the person who is doing the cheating. Men by nature are hunters, but at some point the hunter puts down his gun. You should get tired of the chase and be ready to enjoy what you've caught. Is nothing ever good enough?

Relationships are a challenge, and anyone who enjoys a challenge like myself should strive to do what they can to make sure that relationship is gratifying in EVERYWAY. I think couples become complacent and don't strive to make it work. We get caught up in the daily grind of life, and our relationships suffer. Instead of coming together, we grow further and further apart thus leading us to seek outside fulfillment. If we put our relationships at the forefront and give as much energy and attention to it, then I believe some of this infidelity can be avoided. Now this isn't for those people who are going to cheat happy or not. These are for those who fall prey to cheating due to not being fulfilled or not happy within the confines of their relationship due to not giving it the adequate attention and time.

Anything you have to give time and energy to should be considered an investment. An investment: a devoting, using, or giving of time, talent, emotional energy, etc., as for a purpose or to achieve something: His investment in the project included more time than he cared to remember.

I personally am in love with a man that I prayed for, and that God graciously blessed me. God invested that man to me so I have to put in the time & emotional energy to achieve greatness in area of this relationship . This means I have to be attentive to his needs, wants and desires. I have to be there for him to talk to. I have to be there physically so that we can connect on a spiritual level for the purpose of becoming closer. It's more than us providing each other with the physical element. This relationship will be a blessing to the kingdom. I take my relationship seriously. So I will do what it takes to ensure it's longevity and success.

Things to do to ensure success and longevity:

1.) Whatever activities you spent together doing when you were dating, you should still make time for. If you went out to parks, lunch dates, clubs or dinner, you still should do that.

2.) Take random trips. These don't have to be luxurious trips that will break the bank. A one day getaway to the closest state will do the trick. Sometimes getting away from your normal surroundings does a whole lot.

3.) Spend time talking and reconnecting. Communication is so very important in a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to express your inner most thoughts and feelings.

4.) LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH ------- I am so lucky to be with a man who makes me laugh. We spend a great deal of our time together joking around and laughing. Rarely do you see us and we are grinning about jokes shared between the two us or something out of the blue he's done to make me smile. I don't care where we are, we are able to enjoy each others company. The company of others is OKAY, but we truly enjoy each other.

5.) Take yourself out of the equation and think about the other party. Sometimes we can become so narcissistic that we forget about others. When you are in a relationship, you have to become selfless. I look at it this way, if you give of yourself, you will get in return.

6.) Be spontaneous and spur of the moment. Not everything has to be planned. That takes the joy out of it. Every now and again, surprise your boo with something special.

7.) Don't like to get into others bedrooms, but I will say this..............be willing to explore and go beyond missionary. There is no bounds between you are your mate. Be open minded.... :)

8.) Being spiritually connected is vital. I don't care what your religious background is, you both should be able to thank God and continue to ask him to bless your union.

More coming soon.........

Breakdown in Relationships: Part I

A relationship between a man and a woman is the most beautiful connection that I've witnessed, and also the most complicated. Men & women don't understand each other. We are the same in so many ways yet as different as the taste between a lemon & an orange. I think this is where the breakdown begins. We simply don't understand how the other thinks. A many of books have been written to try to help us gain insight into the minds of each other; however, it hasn't been enough to help us understand each other any more than before the books were written. I have asked this age old question to both men and women alike and the answers vary greatly. That question is:

Do all men cheat and why?

Below are a few responses from a few men and a few women.

Male's Response # 1

All men don’t cheat. All men think about cheating at one time or another, but all men don’t actually do it. (Mike N)

Male Response # 2

Ok! to answer your first question of do all men cheat? NO! but unfortunately it’s more that do than don’t.
Why? Well that’s a complicated answer so let me do the best I can.
First, we gotta be able to distinguish men from boys and imma talk about boys first. Boys cheat whenever an opportunity arises and they can get they thang wet. It’s no rhyme or reason to why a boy cheats. Sometimes it’s for bragging rights, sometimes it’s for something new and sometimes it’s just because a girl was there and the boy merely doesn’t know how to say no unless you’re asking him a question like, “will you take me out to eat first” (lol – that’s not really funny…but it’s the truth). But we not go waist a lot of time on boys because you can tell a boy from the first time he opens his mouth.
Why do MEN cheat is something different, in my opinion. First of all, contrary to popular belief, men have emotions too and if you have a man then you got yourself a good thing. So the way to keep a man is not just through his stomach but through his heart. You gotta communicate with a man. You gotta be open with a man. And anytime you close a door and not allow that man inside of that space, then you push him away. These women now a days are ruthless and look to take yo man so think about that too. Not only that but men aint the only ones cheatin either, but that’s another question that I want YOU to answer for me later on. ANYWAY, you can’t open up to a man in the beginning and do all this for him and all that for him and think that once you all get comfortable with each other then you can start slacking. You have to ALWAYS be on your job and up on your game. Women like to put their game face on in the beginning which attracts us, but then once you get us then you wanna take your game face off and put on your poker face. that don’t work with us. If you really want your MAN not to cheat, then keep it exciting for him. Do things new and spontaneous. Stop making excuses. Stop being so insecure. As gentleman as a man can be he still like that “freak” in you so regardless of how YOU think you look, put on some’m risqué from time to time. Believe me, a MAN knows how to find beauty in his lady and it aint on the surface but what’s under it that makes beauty. Don’t just say I love you but show it. Above all LISTEN to him. Even if you don’t fully agree or understand what he’s saying off top, just take yourself out of self and try seeing things through another eye. You’ll find we (men and women) are not that different. We want the same things you want, just in different ways.
So to answer your question of why men cheat…I can’t pin point that. But I’ve told you how to keep a man with several things to do. Now if your man cheats on you the 9 times out of 10 it’s because you didn’t listen to him when he opened up and expressed his likes and desires. Either that or you listened and didn’t act on them and somebody else did. If you did listen to him and you did act and he still cheated…then unfortunately you had yourself a boy. (Next lesson will be how to tell a boy from a man J).
Now does a man need to be in a committed relationship if he’s gonna cheat…heck naw. It aint committed if he’s not. commitment is a pledge to somebody. Now do mistakes happen, sure they do sometime. Does regrets arise, of course. But if a man KNOWS he’s gonna cheat on his woman then there’s no reason for him to even play with a woman’s heart with “commitment”. That’s really, really dangerous. Hearts are too fragile and people do some mean and evil things in behind a broken heart. Should a man be in a committed relationship if he is going to cheat? It depends on how you define “cheat”. (Keith W)

Male's Response # 3

All men DON'T cheat, and if he's going to, there's no use in being in a committed relationship. That goes against the root meaning of the term. (Martell C)

Ladies Response # 1

All men DO NOT cheat. And no, he should not be in a committed relationship if he is going to cheat – because then it wouldn’t be a ‘committed’ relationship. (Mishawn J)

Ladies Response # 2

I don’t believe all men cheat. I believe SOME men cheat. I think this is why most men are afraid of committed relationships because they already know they are capable of cheating. And from a spiritual standpoint, you have to remember that while we pray for fidelity, the devil is powerful when it comes to tempting a man because men are naturally stimulated by sight. With all the “sex sells” things out here I leave nothing to chance. Again I say, in all things stay prayerful. (Shela S.)

Ladies Response # 3

Honestly Michelle, I don’t think ALL men cheat. But the majority. You do have some men out there that are loyal to their wives or significant other. But after seeing several previous situations (including my own), I don’t put anything past them. And no a man should not be in a committed relationship if he wants to entertain other women. Now if he let it be known to his significant other that he wants to see other people or he will see other people and she accepts it, then hey, to each his own. And they cheat just because of the temptation. They can have everything they want and need at home, but just the temptation and getting the attention from other women will drive them there. It’s sad. (Michelle P.)

I want to understand why people cheat, men in particuarly. The statement most prevelant in all these answers is the fact that ALL of these folks believe that not while ALL men cheat, the MAJORITY does. I want to comprehend what thoughts men have before they cheat, if they feel bad during, and if they have no feelings for these ladies then WHY???

Male Response # 1 on WHY???

He watched the good guys and see what happens to them. I am scared to get cheated on. SO the women, they don't F*** with me, they know I'll change it up on them. Jeff B. Sr.

Male Response # 2

Because of lack of self-control... when I see something that I want, I go for it and worry about the consequences afterwards. Jeff B.

Male Response # 3

For different reasons: greedy, temptation. Being spiteful and not trusting the one that we're with and it's easy. Aric F.

I want to know if there is any time in a man's life where he is ever completely satisified with one woman ????

PART II COMING soon.

Flu Shot

Today my company offered everyone "free" flu shots, and I just went and got mine. YIPPPEEE! I've had the flu one time and never want to go through that again so whatever precautionary measures "I" need to take to never get the flu again, I am game. Now that H1N1 vaccine is a whole different topic. I think this one flu shot should cover me for both and if it doesn't prayer and positive thinking will. Cheers to wellness!!!

What's your addiction?

Addictions are things we fall prey to and allow to CONTROL and CONSUME us. It becomes a "Can't Help It, " and the urge takes over us so strongly that we resist. Some of these addictions can be deadly, and cause us to lose things that are near and dear to us including our lives and families. A person can start off doing these things as a form of entertainment, but quickly become caught up in its spell. Without help, these addictions can completely cause us to spiral out of control losing sight of everything that is important. The good thing is help is out there, but most times denial causes a person not to seek help. WE will neglect our jobs, our children, our spouses, to satisfy our addictions. These addictions not only hurt the person who has the addiction but the people who have to sit by and watch you spiral out of control. It's a sad thing to sit back and watch a person allow THINGS to take control over them to a point they won't say NO! They can't say no. People with addictions are lacking something internally but look outside for gratification. Until they come to grips with the real issue " THEMSELVES" they will always attach to something... that results in an addiction. Praying for all the addicted folks.

Dear Mom & Dad,

I would like to say I love you both with everything that is within me & as much as I know how. You may not have been the best parents or been there for me as a child like I wanted you to, but as I've grown and matured, I've learned a valuable lesson and that is, "People love on the level that they know how." It may not be to my liking or to my understanding, but it's the best they KNOW how to do in that moment. God assigned you guys to me for a reason! It was not for me to choose my parent, and I can't go back and rewrite history nor do I think I want to because everything about me would change, and I love who I am and don't think I would change to past to create a different future. Growing up, you guys created a very dysfunctional space for me to live in. I had to endure countless nights of hearing you argue, fuss and fight physically. I was frightended and didn't quite understand it all. I understood the definition of peace by hearing it in church. I knew I was not experiencing it but had to sense enough to pray and ask God for it. It came but not when or how I wanted it to.

It was PEACE though, and I've grown to become great friends of it. Because I know what peace is, I now know why you left mom. I know you left to maintain your sanity because dad did everything in his power to make sure you had none. The fights grew brutal and mom you were put at deaths door because of these beatings. Dad, you did everything in your power to make sure we had no peace. Everything ended in a fight. You and mom fought about everything. I am old enough to remember you trying to drive away from it all and mom coming after you to put fire on a already blazing flame. Most kids want their parents to stay together, but I knew you guys weren't good for each other, and somebody would have to leave. I was okay with that. I wouldn't have wanted you guys to stay together JUST so I could be happy. I was happy to not have to hear the fighting, arguing, cursing, and name calling. I was happy to see you guys happy even if that meant you being seperated and divorced.

Because of you and mom, I learned as an adult facing a divorce not to stay because of my kids! You want to create wholeness for your kids, and wholeness sometimes means leaving. I know kids will heal because mine did. I am happy to say that I learned from from dysfunction that:Scars will be left, but healing will and can take place. I have learned to forgive all the empty promises made by both of you to me. I've forgiven the bad childhood that I had to endure because of you two. I have forgiven you BOTH! Both of you had a part to play and I can't blame just one person. I don't know what all went on behind closed doors, I just know both of you were to blame. I love you both still and in spite of. I will not hold on to the past but will let go freeing myself, and freeing you. MOM you had issues and DAD you had issues and it wasn't until you completely seperated that your issues were resolved. Children look to their parents as their everything and in doing that we are let down because as much as I wanted to believe you guys were super heroes, I had to learn that you are but mere mortals just like me who makes mistakes, tell lies, break promises, because I too have done it. Not on purpose or to bring hurt or harm, but because we are all human. I'm learning as I go while forgiving and letting go. Hurt people hurt people and I don't want to hurt anyone. Karma is a mug.

Boils down to selfishness.....

NEWSFLASH TO ALL SELFISH ASS FOLKS, this world doesn't revolve around you and you alone. You will have to make adjustments sometimes in life that aren't necessarily comfortable. You have to learn to go with the flow sometimes. If God wanted the world to flow for you alone, you would have been the only person He made.

*One thing about all selfish people I know is that they are ONLY happy when everything is going their way. When things don't go their way, it's like a switch button turns off and they CHANGE completely. One minute they can be the sweetest person around, then they turn into the opposite. I've witnessed this countless times. This is the one thing all SELFISH people have in common.

*Selfish people do things for their own personal gaining caring nothing about other people around them. They usually don't do it if they don't benefit directly.

* Selfish people hate being told NO! If the answer isn't YES, they are mad at the person in which is saying NO!!!! They want people to move heaven and earth to make sure the answer is yes, even if it can't be moved.

* They care about their own happiness and very little about anyone elses. As long as they are happy in a situation they feel like everyone else can and should adapt.

Barack & Michelle

As I was watching CNN this morning, my admiration and respect for the first couple, Barack & Michelle was rekindled. I love how they are in tune with each other, how they work together as a team, & how they make sure their family comes first. Even though he is president of the United States, he makes his love for his wife, and kids known. Not only does he make it known verbally, but his actions towards her speaks volumes. He gives her those silent glances & touches her gently in the small of her back in a way that even I can sense the potency of his love and respect for her. They are the epitome of what I want my relationship to be. Because of them, I know it is possible to have a relationship that works, and is healthy. Yes, they have mentioned they are looked at as the perfect couple; however, they've had issues, but again, I admire them because they work "together."

As my relationship grows, I look to them as a blueprint on which to pattern my relationship after. He is a powerful black man and most powerful black men have this stigma as being womanizers, not being able to hold down a family and be powerful & successful at the same time, but so far, Barack as defied those odds. Like Barack & Michelle, my babe and I went on our first date and have been going strong every sense. I strive to be like Michelle. I will be a source of strength and support to my baby that he needs to get him through. I plan to continue to uplift him when he feels down. I plan on loving him when he doesn't feel loveable. I plan to be a light when the world feels dark. I will make sure he KNOWS his power, his strength and his greatness. Our first couples marriage should serve as a great example of marriage and love amongst black couples.

Growing up, I didn't see many examples of good marriages. They were far and few between, so seeing our first couple makes me strive to make my relationship work even more, to not just settle in a relationship but to be truly happy. Most couples seem to exist and not have a fulfillment of joy in a relationship as it should be. The love is lost and they miss out on the endless possiblilities of being together, enjoying each others company, and having a true love experience. I will not lose hope that all these things are possible. Barack & Michelle serve as a hope. I want a love like theirs, one that even surpasses the love they have.

Marcell & Michelle

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

So

The above (?) is a lingering question that occupies the space in my head, takes over my thoughts and leaves me in a state of constant wonder. Now more than ever, I'm asked this question by others, and my answer remains unchanged at, " When he's ready?" Really, it isn't my call, and I am not the chic to press the issue; you can call it pride or tradition either way, that is a question I want to be asked. I would be lying if I said that the uncertainty of what's next for us didn't drive me delirious or eat away at me. When will that future he talks about meet my present that I daydream about? It's not my call because tradition makes it his. I know that with him, timing is everything. When he does finally ask me, I know HE will truly be ready and I can wait because I want him to be "TRULY" ready. But still again, I am left with, "When will the time come? Tick tock tick tock when will that time land on the clock.I'm most happy right now, but am looking for that happiness to erupt on a different level. So, the question still remains.....the future knows what it holds, he knows while I am left in the dark.

NIGGAZ EYEZ

A woman's beauty is undeniable. From the slimness or thickness of our waists, to the way our thighs are curved like a perfect "S", right down to our azzes or lack thereof seems to send off a automatic signal in a man's brain that it is GAWKING time. It is almost a hypnotic trance often followed with a sudden uncontrollable outburst out of , "GOD DAMN." Those two words mean that what a niggaz eyez witnessed is like WOAH OR sometimes NOT. I've seen these mesmerizing glares and hypnotic stares by men everywhere I go. The majority of the men I seeare broken down needing to be held up on a kickstand. I know that everyone has eyes and they can look wherever but GOSH DARN IT, can you if you must stare at least give a casual wave. Don't just stare like that, makes me nervous. I've seen men stop right dead in the middle of the street holding up the traffic behind him just to sneak a peak of that woman's physique. Men will hang out windows yelling rude obscenities that they obviously they think are nice gestures but really bug and irritate the shiznit out of us women, and why oh why are these USUALLY passengers????? If that is not the tackiest display of ignorance I've seen, then my name isn't Michelle. Men in cars with their significant others will also sneakingly or blatantly give in to that urge to stare... this being the utmost form of disrespect. I can understand looking and taking pleasure in what you see, but to undress that woman with your eyes in front of your mate is just downright distasteful. We can admire the beauty without crossing the line, and I am talking about men now who cross lines. I am beginning to think that a niggaz eyez control him, he doesn't control them or does he????? I understand that men are visual creatures and all but when you turn into just a creature who salivates at a woman every chance given my advice is to seek advice.

Thank You!!!!!

I am really thankful right now. I have my life, my health and my strength. I could probably find things to complain about, but I am positive I can find just as much to be thankful for. So, thanks to God, the universe, & ultimate creator for allowing me to be.

Thank You!!!

Dedicated to Pepper

Above is a picture of "Pepper." I wanted a dog and despite the many warnings of how huge of responsiblity they were, I went ahead and decided to get one. Boy, was I in for a huge surprise. The first time I laid eyes on Pepper via a picture from the Internet on February 14th, 2009, I cried. He was so beautiful and tiny; I knew then I had to drive almost two hours to get him. My friend LaNesha rode with me also going to get Pepper's sister Jayde. We were very excited. Prior to our trip, we went to Petco picking up all the necessary items for a brand new puppy. I easily spent almost $1,000.00. We arrived at the kennel to pick up our babies, and the minute I saw Pepper our eyes locked and I held him like a newborn baby. On the ride home, Pepper whined all the way. I felt bad because I couldn't hold him neither did I know how really. I was scared but anxious to learn about how to care for a dog. My boyfriend was a great help.

The first night Pepper started of sleeping with me, then into his kennel he went. I didn't know anything about puppies. I had no clue I would be up during the night with him like a newborn or have my early morning slumber interrupted because I had to take him out. It was much more than I had bargained for. I stayed on the phone with my BF seeking advice, scared by every move that Pepper made that seemed abnormal to me but was normal. He laughed at me because I was so nervous. During my lunch I would drive all the way home and take him out. This got old really quick. I begin complaining and my boyfriend ended up taking him home with him which initially was supposed to be a week but ended up being three months until we decided to get rid of him Labor Day weekend when we had to go Kansas City and could find nobody to keep Pepper. So needless to say, Pepper is no longer with us. He is with a lady that works at the EZ-Mart gas station. My boyfriend stopped to get gas and asked if anyone wanted him and she said YES, once she saw him, she was sold. I do miss Pepper, I must admit.

Vending Machine Blessing

Yesterday I get this sweet tooth and decided to go to the vending machine . I stood there as I usually do contemplating over my selection. I finally decided on a Reese's Cup which is .90 cents by the damn way for two chocolate covered peanut butter circles... MMMPH. I thought to myself as I put my money in the machine that this is highway robbery. I can go to walmart and buy a package of almost 20 Reese's cups for that price, but if your craving is as strong as a smoker who is trying to quit, you will pay whatever price to ease the craving. I was utterly disgusted to have to pay that amount. In a recession, all this shit needs to be .50 cents or free... so much for wishful thinking. Everything seems to shoot straight up like an airplane the older we get, and although we complain, we still pay whatever price because we have no other choice.

Well, this morning, even though I complained and ranted yesterday about having to pay that .90 cents, I go again to the vending machine to get my morning breakfast, POPTARTS. I put in a $1.00 and out pops a package of Poptarts. My dime in change didn't drop so I immediately wonder what the hell is going on. Surely to goodness they aren't going to swindle me for my .10 cents... surely not. Amid that thought, another package of Poptarts drops out, and then another.... As bright eyed as a puppy dog, I am thinking to myself, I get three packages of poptarts for the price of one. Of course I share the love and give one to my greedy co-worker. Oh, and I did get my .10 cents in change back after my blessings dropped. All I can say is, Isn't God Great; I didn't get swindled, but I swindled but not on purpose.

Golden Time of Day!!!!

How do I love thee, let me tell you all of the ways!


My weekdays are consumed with subliminal thoughts of you!


I wake up in the morning with anticipations of you!



The weekends bear no thought of you.


The closer you get, the happier I become!


When you finally make your arrival, I am UP & Out!!!

My Saving Grace

This blog is set aside specifically for me as a place I can get completely naked mentally and emotionally without any outside constraints. I am free to shed all exterior masks and just pour out the very depths of my heart and soul. When I am happy, I blog. When I am sad, I blog.... I blog just for the "Blog of it." I invite who I please to have access to my blogs. I am leary on the people I allow direct access to because I only want to share parts of myself with certain individuals. I may not want people to know what my insecurities are who I know will take advantage of that, or I may not want people to know about my relationship because they aren't geniunely happy for me. It's on a case by case basis. I love that about blogs. I have the option to keep you in my business or out of it. Right now, it is public, but the liklihood of someone I know just running across it is slim to none! Random people are not a concern of mine!! I will be a blogger for as long as I have words that erupt from the very fiber of my beings. It's like I have random urges to pour out my soul in words. My blog is my saving grace.

My Insecurities silenced....

The ugly truth is: I, Michelle as confident as I am has an insecurity that cripples me, and bombards my every thought even though I try to supress it, it manages to rear its ugly head. Not with myself, but within the confines of my relationship. I've known this, but didn't want to attach " insecure" with how I was feeling because honestly, it's taken me thirty four years to be comfortable in my own skin. My insecurities stem from past relationships with family and a marriage that ended in divorce. I have this embedded and hidden fear that whatever relationship I am in will end in disaster, and that those I love will walk away with not warning leaving me to pick up the brokebn pieces, as I have had to do so many times before.

I am so fearful of this that it makes me sick to my stomach. My fear and insecurity scares me because of my belief in the law of attraction and I do believe wholeheartedly that " What I think about, I bring about," so I definitely don't want to have my thoughts regarding my relationship laced with negativity. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he's given me no reason to believe that I am not "the one" he wants, but do they ever. So this is something I have to personally deal with and realize that it is all a risk and a gamble, and with my thoughts, I can control the outcome better. It's not him that's causing me to feel insecure, it's me and my managing to conjure up different scenarios that have not even happened yet. The realization of this insecurity came to me from HIM.

Yes, I was angry when he called me insecure and I lashed out because I was hurt but deep down inside I knew this to be the case. Apparently, he knows me beyond that exterior that is used to mask deep seated hurts from the past that I thought I'd gotten over. I gave him every reason in the book that I was "NOT" insecure when knowing full well that what he was saying was true. I let him know this morning that I was sorry and he knew me better than I thought he did. He silenced my insecurity by telling me that there is always going to be someone prettier and better, but HE chose to be with me and his objective was our relationship. He loves me and his not going to leave; he is here! Immediately a shackle was removed and a heavy weight was lifted. I've not felt this free in years. I have always had a feeling of inadequacy and someone else being better.

I thought I'd dealt with this, but there was apparently some residule issues lingering that have now been swept away with the many other issues I've had to deal with. IT was his affirmation that I needed. Since we've been together, I've felt safe and secure, but past relationships tend to spill over into new relationships and will hinder the flow if not deal with. Today, I can happily say that, My insecurties have been silenced and put to rest. I am good to be loved and everybody that comes into my life will not leave. This relationship is new and I will not allow the past to come in and cast a negative shadow over something that is so positive.

Something smells skunky!!!!

I am a lover of things that have nice smells. I am not; however, a lover of those things with not so pleasant smells that leave you with a headache the size of TEXAS! To me, a person who dousts on a gallon of cheap perfume and comes into a office is a rude as a person who passes gas and doesn't acknowledge it with an, "excuse me." They should at least announce that they have a fragrance on that may singe the hairs in my nostrils. I must give credit to cheap perfume in that its scent goes on and on until the break of dawn although its smell is as pungent as a freshly hit skunk on a country roadside. If you must go cheap, you must lessen the squirts.

Rule of thumb: If the perfume comes from anywhere other than a notable department store and was not made prior to the millineum, really you shouldn't squirt, but if you must, limit to one squirt and NOT an all over body squirt. Just squirt on the bottom of the foot dammit!

WOMAN DOWN.......... going to get me some oxygen for those funky perfume squirters who have me about comatose.

Music, My Love

I want to dedicate this blog to music.

Without music in my life, I would be like an empty canvas with no colors to adorn it. Music simply transitions me into a place of solitude and tranquility, joyfulness and peace, happiness or sadness. It simply is a medium in which I rely on a lot to get me through those moments I don't think I'd seem to otherwise make it through. Music is like writing to me; it is my healer and is a way for me to release any negative emotions that may seem to grip me. It is a way for me to communicate without actually having to conjure up the right words to say. I close my eyes and allow the melodies to make love to my eardrum. I have a lyrical appetite for tantalizing sounds, and I allow the music to flow through me and satisfy every craving that I may have. I am able to recognize every instrument distinctively; I listen for them individually and appreciate every stroke of the drum and every breathe of air the moves through the trumpet, or saxaphone or whatever wind instrument is being used. It is more than a good lyricist who brings life to the song.....it is simply music and everyone who participates to make it a meaningful and joyful experience.

RUDEASSNESS

Thee Letter Invasion P-M-S!

I am feeling a little blue today........ and it amazes me that every month I have to go through a period of severe sadness as if I've lost a loved one and haven't lost anything other than control of my emotions to let Queen PMS REST, RULE & ABIDE. A lot of people discount the symptoms of PMS, but I've found these to be very real. My mood is altered slightly. I am not a bitch which I am grateful for because some women just turn into a whole other CREATURE and need the priest to come over and perform exorcism. I just become a ball of emotions which is unfortunate for me because I am naturally overly sensitive and I am extra clingy. I aslo have a strong craving for anything sweet particuarly chocolate. A lot of men discount these feelings as all in the "mind" and think women use these symptoms as an excuse to act ignorant or not divy out the goodies. It's funny to me because I don't really like being vulnerable or to have my moods altered without my PERMISSION. PMS comes in without notice, takes over me, and unfortunately, I have to submit to it. I am generally pretty much in control of my emotions but during this time, I am forced to scoot over and let my emotions go haywire before leveling off....URGH!!!! I hate that I am this emotional with no reason other than a three letter word who is the culprit... oh well, the joys of being a woman.

Like Soul

When I met the man you see above a year ago, my life changed. My views on love changed. I was literally swept up in a beautiful whirlwind of happy feelings. I have been kissed before, but never have I felt the power behind a kiss the way I did when we first kissed . I've been embraced before but never felt the feeling behind an embrace the way I did when he touched me. I've been given smiles before but none has made me blush the way his smile does. I've had intriguing conversation before but none captured me and drew me in the way his did. This connection is as foreign to me as the chinese language. I try to understand it but am always mind boggled. I've never been loved like this before and am inhaling it like the very air I breathe. He believes in me, he knows me and most of all when I am silent he hears & feels me. The mere thought of us brings tears to my eyes. Indeed, this connection has made me believe in the power of soul mates. Relationships have a deeper meaning to me now. It's not just a connecting for the sake of having sex. It's a spiritual element that is involved. I sought God for a man who I would be able to connect with mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically & the fact that God heard and attended to my prayers is an indication to me that this man is the one who was set apart for me. I don't take this lightly; I don't abuse this joining together of two like souls. I give thanks and praise to the creator. I am happy to say that it has been a year since we connected, and there hasn't been a day of regret. Even on a cloudy day the sun manages to shine through because his love sees me through. Even in our disagreements, the love manages to evolve because we are learning each other even through those times. I love the heart and soul of this man. I feel him on a deeper level that goes beyond skin deep. When he hurts I hurt, when he worries, I worry. When he is happy, I am happy. I feel him pray for him and most of all, Love him. God really did it on this one.

Overflow

I feel something powerful inside of me but what it is has not been revealed to me. I know it's there, I can feel its tug, but what it is I can not divulge. Everyday I feel it more and more, I know I am right at destiny's door.

UGH, DON'T!!!!

Today has been a day of many interruptions. I am learning this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate it when I am not allowed to finish a complete thought. First of all, it is common courtesy not to interrupt. It is just plain rude!!! My thoughts are very important to me and while you may not want to hear them, at least let me release them.... WOOOSA!

RAMBLINGS

1. I know what I want, but I don’t know where to start.
2. I waste time worrying about my time being wasted.
3. If you fear, you have reseservations and limitations.
4. I just want to be successful operating in my full potential.
5. Love is beautiful when everyone is on one accord.
6. Death is much like the inception of life, in that you don't know what's in store for you, but it will happen with or without your consent. The only thing you have control over is the quality of life that you live.
7. There is not a time when I am not thinking about love, it stays on my brain.

Who cares?

People will always have an opinion about you. It can be a negative opinion or positive opinion. It can be some truth in it or not. Either way, at the end of the day another person's opinion of you should not move you unless you want it to. I want people to think the best of me, but honestly, I am not always at my best so expecting someone to ALWAYS have a positive view of you is not realistic. I hold myself in high esteem and regard so I really could care less about what anyone else thinks at the end of the day. That comes from knowing who you are.

WIDE OPEN

People will try to put up masks to hide their flaws, insecurities, fears, shortcomings, etc. I am learning to snatch away all the falsehoods and expose myself for the sake of healing another. My tough exterior was a hiding place for me and behind it hid, me, a woman who was so weakened by the cards that life had dealt me. It is amazing to me how people don't want to uncover their issues. They want to suffer alone thinking they are the only one who deal with personal demons . I've come to find on my beautiful struggle towards my true self, people are prone to be forthcoming with their issues once you've exposed your issues to them... it's almost like a, " You tell me, then I'll tell you," syndrome, a safety blanket of sorts. We are put here to help each other and a huge part of that help involves learning from each others experiences. When I was going through a major life changing event, I felt alone & isolated, much of which I brought on myself by not speaking out due to a fear of being judged. What I discovered is opening up provided a release for me and allowed me to breathe. I was holding in a lot of anger that was literally driving me insane. Once I got over that fear of being judged and focused on my need for help, I found I was able to share a little bit more of what I was going through. And much to my surprise, I got a lot of great advice from women who had experienced what I was going through and was able to help me through this process. We all deal with some of the same issues and need to get over how people will view us if we are exposed. My past issues have served as a refiner needed to polish me and thrust me closer into my fullness thereof. I know that before I can operate in that fullness, I have to go through experiences that are not always going to be pleasurable. These experiences are serving as a catalyst for healing me and others. I just want to somehow inspire women to open up more and share their life experiences. Don't let your fear of being judged stop you from helping a sister heal herself. You could be that source of healing. Share your stories ladies... Someone, somewhere will be inspired. My fear is that nobody will want to hear what I haveto say, but I know this is not true. I know I have a story that will provide a source of hope and healing. If it is only one that I can help along the way, I will have served my purpose to Inspire, Share & Love! Women are drawn to me for encouragement and the man in my life says it is my gift and there's nothing I can do but embrace it so with my arms and heart WIDE OPEN, I am embracing the gift.

Who is the flyest of them all???

So fly you are scent so strong, there's no way that with you I can go wrong. What you will become resembles nothing like what you started as . I could go without knowing the gory details of the process that you have to go through to become that thing I love so much, want so much and need so much. I love you in so many ways no matter how you are presented to me; I appreciate your diversity to become so tasteful and delicious......fried and floured, baked or steamed, I love you Chicken, you'll never know what you mean.

First Love is Self Love.....

Is it possible to be in love if you haven't experienced the love of yourself. Love comes from within and if there's no love for self within how can one LOVE FOR REAL?! Just a thought!

Let's Go Green!!!!

There's never been a time when I yielded with you. My light has been green since the day I met you. I didn't put on the red and let my love go stopping for nothing, I stayed in that flow. With you I could clearly understand the pause, I was dropped on you before you knew what to do. It all felt right and we both felt the same way, but still you yielded and I went green all the way. There were times when I wanted to go red, but you said fall and I trusted what you said. I never let my fear get the best of me. I was scared of the feelings, but I knew my heart was willing and ready for your healing. I stayed on green and went with what I was feeling, and til this day, I never had a regret. I know what's in your heart but this fear you have needs to disappear. I'm giving you the greenlight and okay to go, don't put on your brakes and yield, just go ahead and trust how you feel. It's been a year so dispel the fear take off your breaks so we can take this love thing all the way.

In love with a woman!

I'm in love with a woman. She is everything I've been on a search for. When I found her, she completed that inner part of me that was always searching for that "something" and didn't know it was me I was searching for all along. It's like I'd always known her, but could never make that connection. It was always something missing and it was at arms reach, but there was a mental block keeping me from finding her. Everything about her is familiar to me. There's not a moment when I don't feel comfortable around her. When I look at her, I smile and see the God inside of her. I realize that she's always been there, I just didn't recognize her. Beauty radiates from her, power possesses her, love is natural for her. This girl, is me. Today , when I look in the mirror I see one of God's master pieces... forming me from nothing yet I've become this intricate design of something special and I've recognized my own beauty and worth. My path is unfolding right before me, my past getting further behind me. My future is gazing in front of me. I'm closing in on my destiny. Yes, quite the masterpiece, still discovering what it is to be me. Loving me more each day, this love affair with myself will never go away. I finding more of myself everyday. I've not always felt this way, for years I've hid from myself. Now, I've been exposed to me, and am visible to all who have appreciation and love for the woman that I am. NO more hiding; I'm free to be me. Love found me when I fell in love with me!

Sweet September ;-)

WOW, how time flies when LOVE overtakes, engulfs and casts its spell on you. Although I seem to in the past have been unlucky in love; I never doubted that love existed or wouldn't happen for me. There may have been a brief moment that I may have been anxious for it to arrive; however, those moments were short lived and replaced with affirmations beckoning love to make its way to me. Not just any kind of love, but a love that so closely resembled my ideal of love that I would recognize it with my eyes closed. Someone who would literally love the outter and inner parts of me allowing me to be the me I'd fell in love with. Someone who would accept me flaws and all. Someone who was on a path of finding the same exact kinda love I was longing for. I wrote letters to this man before I knew him. I loved him before our hearts connected. I knew what his love felt like before I experienced it. I craved his embrace not knowing what it felt like. I longed for him not having spent time with him. I just "knew" that my kind of love was out there somewhere and it took me believing this, speaking this and seeing it happen before it actually did. I knew when it come, everything in my entire being would bear witness. It is so overwhelming that God put such a pefect match together. Oh how sweet it is to experience love on this level, in this way, everyday. It is the ultimate love experience and the best ride of my life. To my precious gift, my desire made manifest in the flesh, I love you so much and am anxious for the next level of US together. Truly, it is going to be magical experience of love ascending to the highest level... I shudder to think about it!!!

OLD BLOG

My feelings to have. My feelings to share. My feelings to express, understand if you dare. The world so cold with no one to hold. To keep me safe from danger found all over the place. Love has come but it leaves me alone. It takes hold then breaks free. It sees future, I see now. Reality is in my face and what's to come leaves me numb. Not knowing but having hope takes guts and faith. My faith wavers for anxiousness of what's next. Did my ship sail and leave me shipwrecked? Grab a lifejacket to save myself from misery no matter how happy I seem to be lonliness manages to take hold and leave me almost breathless. Breaking free from its hold proves to be awfully bold. Peace if only I could just release the major part of me. Hold on stay strong your day is coming seems to be echoing beneath the shadows.....

My Same Revisited.....

Gut wrenching, heart dropping, unbearable pain is what is feels like to be seperated from my same.

In my life I want him to remain.

His presence in my life can be taken for granted no more, he is the man I truly adore.

Like petals on a flower and branches to a tree, he was created and divinely purposed for me.

He adds to me in so many ways, God knew I needed him in my life to help me live out my best days.

He is the air I breathe the very essence of the deepest part of me.

Fulfilling me in ways that I thought I was complete, he knows how to bring out the best in me.

When I stopped looking, he walked through the door, I can't ask God for anything more.

He and I together a force so strong, walking into destiny together, we won't go wrong.

From this day forward I will give God praise, he's blessed me with Marcell, my same.

Good Riddance Last Week

Okay, last week was a very trying, revealing and emotionally grueling week for me. Space was asked of me and I granted it. The initial request for space was asked for without very little explanation so of course, this sent my mind spinning like a ferris wheel. I didn't know if this request had anything to do with me or what. Without explanation, my mind went from is this the beginning of a breakup to worry and concern? I was literally overcome with fear of abandonment that I thought I'd overcome from previous childhood issues and past relationship woes. Abandonment slapped me right in the face and I was forced to battle with it all over again. I am now convinced that this man was put in my life to help me to complete my healing. When he told my pastor about me, he was told that I was his assignment. I had no clue what that meant, but I now know. He is forcing me to face any residule issues that may be lingering over from my past and causing me to purge myelf completely so that I can reall be WHOLE! As it turns out, this request for space may have had something to do with me, but mostly was due to a man who is constantly giving of himself and not putting anything back in. I can imagine him feeling suffocated by WORK, KIDS and unfortunately, me. He needed time and space from me and this took nothing from what we have. It just may have enhanced it. A lot of feelings surfaced last week, but I am glad this is a new week and the time and space needed was given. I will see my sweetie today and we will talk.

.....I want to!!!

Things I want to do:

1.) Write a book of my own personal quotations and explanations of them.

2.) Go on a seven day cruise with my favorite guy.

3.) Open up a very cool and trendy & artsy coffee shop which would serve as a place for poets to come and spit their poems, a computer hub and hangout spot.

4.) Become a lover of exercise where I exercise at least five times a day.

5.) Quit my job and become self employed.

6.) Attend a art class to hone my artistic abilities.

7.) Go on a vacation with my sisters and my mom.

8.) Be married to the man of my dreams so we can walk in our dreams together building a great life for our children.

9.) Write a book with my favorite guy about relationships.

10.) Buy my own HOME!

Long Distance Blues

Since September 27th, 2008, I've been enduring the triumps and trials of a long distance relationship. Initially, I didn't think the distance would be an issue seeing as though we are only two hours aapart. When we first started dating, my baby would drive to Little Rock every week and stay for three days to spend time between his girls and I. Every week, I anticipated Monday's between 6 and 7 p.m. To this day, my stomach literally filsl with butterflies when he calls or sends me a text to let me know he was is his way. Once he makes it to my house and knocks on my door, we melt into each others arms like butter in a skillet. It is like sticking a eletric plug in the socket. His embrace sparks a feeling that lights up everything on the inside of me. Our words, short and minimized to multiple wow's. That WORD, WOW, is our way of expressing feelings that we just can't put into words. His smile or smirk sends an Antartica chill up my spine. It is an indicator to me that what stands before him still makes him happy. We endure the challenges of being so far away from each now because we are looking forward to a lifetime of happiness later. It goes without saying that there are times when it gets frustrating but WE get through it.

Changed my Mind, and My thoughts followed!

Positive, Happy, Full of Energy, Light Source, Good Aura, Strong!

A few months ago, all these were words used to describe me by people I know as well as strangers. I would receive these random compliments from people saying, "There is just something about you! I was literally a ball of energy with happiness bursting out of my seams. When walking to my job in the morning, I would profess to myself inwardly, I am love, I am happy, I am healthy, I am whole, I am wealthy, I am joy! These characteristics were shown outwardly because I believed them and professed them. No matter what challenges came my way, I still was able to maintain a sense of calm because my thoughts were powerful than my current reality.

Lately, this has changed and I've let my reality rule my attitude. My thoughts have take on a whole new image which has resulted in negative situations. I don't feel happy like before, and hearing positivity aggravates me. This is so unlike me. I am usually the one giving advice and encouraging people to stay and remain positive no matter their situations, but the tables have turned and I am one receiving that advice. I am all out of kilter and this imbalance is causing me to feel drained. I know I had to do something....

Epiphany: Something grabbed hold of me yesterday sometime during the day and I had this sudden mindset change. It's as if someone were sending up prayers and positive thoughts for me and right at the moment they were praying, it all changed for me. My situation didn't change, but my mind did. I resolved to be responsible for my ownself. If I want change in my life, I am responsible for making it happen. Working to improve my sitution while affirming and believing change is on the horizon is the solution. Soooo, yesterday, I made it my business to turn in an application so I can work a second job. I am going to give myself seven months to improve my situation! :0)

I am going to start walking everyday for at least thirty minutes to improve overall vitality and fitness. All the time resting is going to be replaced achieving small goals untils I see big change!!!!! I will say my affirmations daily and KNOW that I am now in line to receive the greatest blessing ever. No longer will I hold myself back. A lot of times we want change, but are not willing to work for it. We pray for change and prayer does work; however, you must take an active role in the process. That is not what people like to hear, but it's truth!

MY LIFE IS NOW IMPROVING because (I) am taking an active role to make sure it does!!!

Happy Feelin's

So, I had a choice to go to a girls night out... your typical dinner, drinks and stripper OR go the Frankie Beverly and Maze concert in which my boyfriend, " THE Marcell Dean," won a ticket for me by singing the lyrics to Michael Jackson's, " Lady in my Life." I initially tried to sell the ticket because I didn't think would be able to go due to my foot being swollen. I ended up not selling it and chose to go the concert. IT was an AMAZING experience. The weather was exceptional for an outside concert. As I was preparing the get ready, the excitement begin to bubble over in me. I was stoked first of all that a band of this calibur and their long standing success was coming to Little Rock, and secondly, my "brother" was responsible for bringing them here. I wanted the night to be a success. As I approached downtown, it was pure pandemonium!!!!! The lines were long and people were chit chatting and excited about this history making event. There were black people everywhere. I begin to observe and take notice of all the different shades and hues of black people. I noticed how prominent our features are and how beautiful God made us. We came together on this night to celebrate, groove and listen to a group that has been around for as long as I have been alive. Their music trancends age barriers; it is simply timeless. They can play one on their hits in the club and people will flock to the floor. I went to the concert alone and enjoyed myself immensely. I spent the night texting my boo and my mommy. The highlight of the night was putting my mommy on speaker phone and letting her hear her favorite Maze cut, " Golden Time of Day." I will definitely pay to hear them again!!!!

Raging Thoughts

My mind is racing from the constant thoughts that are running rampant in my head. Which way do I turn, which way do I go? I am just trying to maintain a steady flow! Times are hard and I am trying to stay afloat, but I seem to be sinking further and further. I need relief and I need it quick. The old adage, " When it rains, it pours," seems to be the blueprint of my life. Positivity is the key to a lifetime of success, but it is hard to remain positive when you have reality staring you in the face. I find refuge by sleeping; it is a way for me to escape, but as soon as I wake, the problems are still there. So , what do I do? I hate to just run away which seems to be the best option, but there's so much at stake by running. I have to do me too! I have to get myself in a position to make contact with destiny. So many choices to make. In me is power so I just need to dig down deep and grab a hand full of it and make use of it. I will succeed, I will survive, I will dream, and I will make it.

Is it you? (OLD POETRY)

In my head I’ve visualized you.
On paper, I have listed the qualities I want to see manifest in you.
In the morning when I rise, I make affirmations about you.
My day is consumed with subliminal thoughts of you.
My mind, body and spirit longs for you.
My arms long to be around you.
My hands long to caress you.
I ask the spirit to guide you to me.
Yet, when you appear, I am not ready for you.
Internally, I beat myself up and wonder what is wrong with me.
Everything I desire you seem to possess, and yet, when you appear, I second guess.
Is it you, the one I have longed for?
Are you the one I asked God for?
Are you the other half that will complete the whole of me?
Are you the missing puzzle piece?
How will I know if I don’t give it a chance?
Surreptitiously, I am praying and hoping it’s you because no one has ever made me feel the way you do.
I wonder if I will ever be in love with you, or if this is too good to be true?
So many questions flood my mind, so for now I will relax and enjoy this time. You are the half that makes me feel strong, I feel like with you we can take the whole world on.
The love we would share would be like two birds of a feather flocking together
The reality is the man that I’ve wished for has been placed right before me.
If this is a dream I’d rather sleep, whatever you do, don’t wake me.

Ends with the Truth...

This quote came to me out of pure random thoughts, and when I wrote it down and pondered on it, it made a lot of sense. When a person finds truth, their search is over.

The truth seeking for something finds nothing for in it lies everything. "Michelle Davis"

So tiny, yet a HUGE problem!

Apparently, I am allergic to ants. Whenever they bite me, I swell up severly on the place of contact. I have been bitten three times already this summer and each time the body part that it bites looks like one of Professor Klump's body parts! I don't know how something so small can cause such a huge problem? I am sitting at work subjected to wearing flip flops only because they munched on my right foot to satisfy their appetite. Now, my foot looks insanely huge like I have fats pads underneath my skin! Not cute...........at all! My toes aren't making contact with the ground and when I walk, there's this weird feeling I get like water is under my skin; it is jiggly like jello. I HATE Those god forbidden little bastards!!!! Annoying ANTS!! I have all kind of home remedies given to me and nothing seems to work. My friend Nesha just dropped me off some alcohol and some baking soda to make a paste that is supposed to alleviate the swelling! Please pray that something works and soon! I got plans for the weekend.

My Addiction

I am addicted to a four letter word.

It's a word we all know so well.

It's free and doesn't cost a thing.

It is something that we all have and can give.

It will make you come back again and again.

It's an addiction that I don't want to break.

It's one that I can't survive without.

It's been around for as long as the world has been in existence.

It is my reason for breathing, living, & being.

It will if the feeling is deep, cause tears to stream like a waterfall from your eyes.

I crave it, I need it, and I want it.

My desire is it to be given to me on the same level that I give it.

My longing is for it to be given with the same intensity that I give it out.

It is like a fresh glass of iced tea on an hot southern sunny day, just refreshing.

It will cause you to do things you normally wouldn't do.

It will cause your face to be decorated with a constant grin and your head to constantly spin.

If there's a cure for this addiction, I don't want it.

I want to all always be under its spell.
My addiction, LOVE!

Time is on my side.....

Time is all I have been craving because there has been a lack of it for various reasons all in which I understand. I decided to shift gears and instead to focus on what I wanted and not what I didn't want. I didn't want another excuse, or an early exit. So, I simply focused on togetherness. It's day four and time was granted.... one more second, one more minute, one more day. Thank you universe for hearing and responding to my subconcious thoughts!!

I want to

I want to touch you beyond the physical into the soul where real feelings take hold.I want to kiss you where you feel it deep down within a place that man can't see.I want to hold you so close that we become one like the holy trinity, no more you and me, but we. I want to you love you so freely like an unchained melody.

Ball of Emotions

The last three days have been amazing, a wake-up call of sorts and a reminder that all is well. God has blessed me with a man who loves me beyond my understanding, yet I complain about him not having enough time to spend with me when he is preparing for the future for his girls and with me. He is constantly on the grind all the time. I fell in love with this so does that make me a hypocrite now when I complain that he doesn't have time? Yes, it does! He is a visionary and his mind is constantly bombarded with creative thoughts that will all be part of a future of sucess.

Fist Full of Tears

I have a knot in my throat and my eyes are shelter to a fist full of tears. I am tired of disappointments in my life. Just when I think things are moving along great things seem to take a turn for the worse. I am in love with a man who is "my same," we fell in love almost instantly, our spirits connected and all has been well until recently. "TIME" is just not on our side. He is an upcoming business owner and as of late, his business has been getting all of his time and attention. I understand that a new business requires attention but this acknowledgement doesn't make it any less harder. It is a difficult adjustment due to the fact that we are two hours away from each other. I could just say screw it and walk away, but I can't because I believe in what we have. It is powerful and can withstand any storm or challenge. I know that he is a prayer answered and I know God has a plan in place. I wish I could just find a way to cope where it will not hurt so bad not to be near him. He sees future and I deal in both real time, and future. I have to exist in both worlds, so I would like to experience in both. The present is here and now but the future isn't always promised. I pray and hope this changes soon and we can get back to us. He makes promises with the best of intentions but unfortunately a lot of those promises are broken. I understand his heart and this is why I can't walk away. I love him and will face the challenges as they come. We will be stronger because of it. This too will pass.

Matter of Facts

I love extremely hard and only wish that someone would love me with that same intensity.
I am a simple creature. It doesn't take much to please me. A walk in the park, sharing a bowl of ice cream, spending time cuddling in the bed into the late afternoon or watching movies while spooning will make me feel special.

I love affection. My entire being craves it. I love to be kissed on the forehead, have my hair played in and thinks holding hands is sexy!
The flowers, chocolates, and diamonds are nice, but not my taste. If you really want to get to the heart of the matter with me, do something spontaneous like an unplanned road trip or a trip to Vegas for the weekend. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money but it does need to have plenty of thought behind in.

I love conversations about any and everything. I love to talk and love a man who can express himself and not feel like I am talking to a brick wall. A man who can meet me on mental level is as sexy as a candlelit dinner by the beach.

I NEED A MAN TO BE CONSISTENTa biggie!!! Lack of consistency in any relationship results in the demise of relationship . You start off doing something to make an impression but when you hooked and baited that fish you think you can slack. Well that is a HUGE turnoff for me. I know that over the course of any relationship things change but when things change you have to put just as much energy and time into that relationship as you did when you were trying to secure it from the get go!!!! If I start off sending you I love you's daily and good morning's daily, why stop?! This may be the reason why that fish took a bite off that hook!!! You just have to remain consistent.... It isn't hard!!!

Sleepy

I am at work trying to fight sleep. I stayed on the phone with my baby for three hours. When I woke up it was time for work!!!!! I love him so much.

From a Lye to the Truth!

Living a lye free has taught me how to accept the whole of me. Rejecting societal norms that straight hair on my head would make me more pretty.This wool like texture is a part of me, so I am going to sport it and do me. So many women are okay with living a lye they have to relax their hair orthey think they'll die.Nappy hair has its stigmas attached, that's why black women are addicted to the creamy crack.If you embrace and accept your nappy roots, you will realize nappy hair is the truth.Nappy hair shouldn't cause you shame, but help you remember from whence you came.Africa sweet Africa runs through our veins, we'll do anything to forget it by mutilating our manes.Relaxing it til the creamy crack burns your scalp, why subject yourself to that crap?It's almost like a crack freind, gotta have that lye or in public you can't be seen.Hair embraced mostly by the white race, complimenting and in awe of how I get it this way.They love and accept our naps more than we do; we've been brainwashed into thinking nappy is a hideous hairdo.The truth of the matter is nappy hair beautiful, sexy liberating and free.So don't snarl up your nose when my nappy hair is running free.I'm happily nappy and that won't change, I embrace my truth, nappy and not ashamed.I thank God for this unique mane, and teaching my daughters to do the same.We fro it, we twist it and even wear it straight, but when you living a lye you wear it all the same way.Even have nerves to tell " Nappy looks good on you;" I shake my head and say nappy too.Straight hair is cool if you aren't ashamed of your naps, if you are, you need to face the truth.Miss a relaxer for a month or two, and see our the naps take over you.