The ugly truth is: I, Michelle as confident as I am has an insecurity that cripples me, and bombards my every thought even though I try to supress it, it manages to rear its ugly head. Not with myself, but within the confines of my relationship. I've known this, but didn't want to attach " insecure" with how I was feeling because honestly, it's taken me thirty four years to be comfortable in my own skin. My insecurities stem from past relationships with family and a marriage that ended in divorce. I have this embedded and hidden fear that whatever relationship I am in will end in disaster, and that those I love will walk away with not warning leaving me to pick up the brokebn pieces, as I have had to do so many times before.
I am so fearful of this that it makes me sick to my stomach. My fear and insecurity scares me because of my belief in the law of attraction and I do believe wholeheartedly that " What I think about, I bring about," so I definitely don't want to have my thoughts regarding my relationship laced with negativity. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he's given me no reason to believe that I am not "the one" he wants, but do they ever. So this is something I have to personally deal with and realize that it is all a risk and a gamble, and with my thoughts, I can control the outcome better. It's not him that's causing me to feel insecure, it's me and my managing to conjure up different scenarios that have not even happened yet. The realization of this insecurity came to me from HIM.
Yes, I was angry when he called me insecure and I lashed out because I was hurt but deep down inside I knew this to be the case. Apparently, he knows me beyond that exterior that is used to mask deep seated hurts from the past that I thought I'd gotten over. I gave him every reason in the book that I was "NOT" insecure when knowing full well that what he was saying was true. I let him know this morning that I was sorry and he knew me better than I thought he did. He silenced my insecurity by telling me that there is always going to be someone prettier and better, but HE chose to be with me and his objective was our relationship. He loves me and his not going to leave; he is here! Immediately a shackle was removed and a heavy weight was lifted. I've not felt this free in years. I have always had a feeling of inadequacy and someone else being better.
I thought I'd dealt with this, but there was apparently some residule issues lingering that have now been swept away with the many other issues I've had to deal with. IT was his affirmation that I needed. Since we've been together, I've felt safe and secure, but past relationships tend to spill over into new relationships and will hinder the flow if not deal with. Today, I can happily say that, My insecurties have been silenced and put to rest. I am good to be loved and everybody that comes into my life will not leave. This relationship is new and I will not allow the past to come in and cast a negative shadow over something that is so positive.
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