My Insecurities silenced....

The ugly truth is: I, Michelle as confident as I am has an insecurity that cripples me, and bombards my every thought even though I try to supress it, it manages to rear its ugly head. Not with myself, but within the confines of my relationship. I've known this, but didn't want to attach " insecure" with how I was feeling because honestly, it's taken me thirty four years to be comfortable in my own skin. My insecurities stem from past relationships with family and a marriage that ended in divorce. I have this embedded and hidden fear that whatever relationship I am in will end in disaster, and that those I love will walk away with not warning leaving me to pick up the brokebn pieces, as I have had to do so many times before.

I am so fearful of this that it makes me sick to my stomach. My fear and insecurity scares me because of my belief in the law of attraction and I do believe wholeheartedly that " What I think about, I bring about," so I definitely don't want to have my thoughts regarding my relationship laced with negativity. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he's given me no reason to believe that I am not "the one" he wants, but do they ever. So this is something I have to personally deal with and realize that it is all a risk and a gamble, and with my thoughts, I can control the outcome better. It's not him that's causing me to feel insecure, it's me and my managing to conjure up different scenarios that have not even happened yet. The realization of this insecurity came to me from HIM.

Yes, I was angry when he called me insecure and I lashed out because I was hurt but deep down inside I knew this to be the case. Apparently, he knows me beyond that exterior that is used to mask deep seated hurts from the past that I thought I'd gotten over. I gave him every reason in the book that I was "NOT" insecure when knowing full well that what he was saying was true. I let him know this morning that I was sorry and he knew me better than I thought he did. He silenced my insecurity by telling me that there is always going to be someone prettier and better, but HE chose to be with me and his objective was our relationship. He loves me and his not going to leave; he is here! Immediately a shackle was removed and a heavy weight was lifted. I've not felt this free in years. I have always had a feeling of inadequacy and someone else being better.

I thought I'd dealt with this, but there was apparently some residule issues lingering that have now been swept away with the many other issues I've had to deal with. IT was his affirmation that I needed. Since we've been together, I've felt safe and secure, but past relationships tend to spill over into new relationships and will hinder the flow if not deal with. Today, I can happily say that, My insecurties have been silenced and put to rest. I am good to be loved and everybody that comes into my life will not leave. This relationship is new and I will not allow the past to come in and cast a negative shadow over something that is so positive.

Something smells skunky!!!!

I am a lover of things that have nice smells. I am not; however, a lover of those things with not so pleasant smells that leave you with a headache the size of TEXAS! To me, a person who dousts on a gallon of cheap perfume and comes into a office is a rude as a person who passes gas and doesn't acknowledge it with an, "excuse me." They should at least announce that they have a fragrance on that may singe the hairs in my nostrils. I must give credit to cheap perfume in that its scent goes on and on until the break of dawn although its smell is as pungent as a freshly hit skunk on a country roadside. If you must go cheap, you must lessen the squirts.

Rule of thumb: If the perfume comes from anywhere other than a notable department store and was not made prior to the millineum, really you shouldn't squirt, but if you must, limit to one squirt and NOT an all over body squirt. Just squirt on the bottom of the foot dammit!

WOMAN DOWN.......... going to get me some oxygen for those funky perfume squirters who have me about comatose.

Music, My Love

I want to dedicate this blog to music.

Without music in my life, I would be like an empty canvas with no colors to adorn it. Music simply transitions me into a place of solitude and tranquility, joyfulness and peace, happiness or sadness. It simply is a medium in which I rely on a lot to get me through those moments I don't think I'd seem to otherwise make it through. Music is like writing to me; it is my healer and is a way for me to release any negative emotions that may seem to grip me. It is a way for me to communicate without actually having to conjure up the right words to say. I close my eyes and allow the melodies to make love to my eardrum. I have a lyrical appetite for tantalizing sounds, and I allow the music to flow through me and satisfy every craving that I may have. I am able to recognize every instrument distinctively; I listen for them individually and appreciate every stroke of the drum and every breathe of air the moves through the trumpet, or saxaphone or whatever wind instrument is being used. It is more than a good lyricist who brings life to the song.....it is simply music and everyone who participates to make it a meaningful and joyful experience.

RUDEASSNESS

Thee Letter Invasion P-M-S!

I am feeling a little blue today........ and it amazes me that every month I have to go through a period of severe sadness as if I've lost a loved one and haven't lost anything other than control of my emotions to let Queen PMS REST, RULE & ABIDE. A lot of people discount the symptoms of PMS, but I've found these to be very real. My mood is altered slightly. I am not a bitch which I am grateful for because some women just turn into a whole other CREATURE and need the priest to come over and perform exorcism. I just become a ball of emotions which is unfortunate for me because I am naturally overly sensitive and I am extra clingy. I aslo have a strong craving for anything sweet particuarly chocolate. A lot of men discount these feelings as all in the "mind" and think women use these symptoms as an excuse to act ignorant or not divy out the goodies. It's funny to me because I don't really like being vulnerable or to have my moods altered without my PERMISSION. PMS comes in without notice, takes over me, and unfortunately, I have to submit to it. I am generally pretty much in control of my emotions but during this time, I am forced to scoot over and let my emotions go haywire before leveling off....URGH!!!! I hate that I am this emotional with no reason other than a three letter word who is the culprit... oh well, the joys of being a woman.

Like Soul

When I met the man you see above a year ago, my life changed. My views on love changed. I was literally swept up in a beautiful whirlwind of happy feelings. I have been kissed before, but never have I felt the power behind a kiss the way I did when we first kissed . I've been embraced before but never felt the feeling behind an embrace the way I did when he touched me. I've been given smiles before but none has made me blush the way his smile does. I've had intriguing conversation before but none captured me and drew me in the way his did. This connection is as foreign to me as the chinese language. I try to understand it but am always mind boggled. I've never been loved like this before and am inhaling it like the very air I breathe. He believes in me, he knows me and most of all when I am silent he hears & feels me. The mere thought of us brings tears to my eyes. Indeed, this connection has made me believe in the power of soul mates. Relationships have a deeper meaning to me now. It's not just a connecting for the sake of having sex. It's a spiritual element that is involved. I sought God for a man who I would be able to connect with mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically & the fact that God heard and attended to my prayers is an indication to me that this man is the one who was set apart for me. I don't take this lightly; I don't abuse this joining together of two like souls. I give thanks and praise to the creator. I am happy to say that it has been a year since we connected, and there hasn't been a day of regret. Even on a cloudy day the sun manages to shine through because his love sees me through. Even in our disagreements, the love manages to evolve because we are learning each other even through those times. I love the heart and soul of this man. I feel him on a deeper level that goes beyond skin deep. When he hurts I hurt, when he worries, I worry. When he is happy, I am happy. I feel him pray for him and most of all, Love him. God really did it on this one.

Overflow

I feel something powerful inside of me but what it is has not been revealed to me. I know it's there, I can feel its tug, but what it is I can not divulge. Everyday I feel it more and more, I know I am right at destiny's door.

UGH, DON'T!!!!

Today has been a day of many interruptions. I am learning this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate it when I am not allowed to finish a complete thought. First of all, it is common courtesy not to interrupt. It is just plain rude!!! My thoughts are very important to me and while you may not want to hear them, at least let me release them.... WOOOSA!

RAMBLINGS

1. I know what I want, but I don’t know where to start.
2. I waste time worrying about my time being wasted.
3. If you fear, you have reseservations and limitations.
4. I just want to be successful operating in my full potential.
5. Love is beautiful when everyone is on one accord.
6. Death is much like the inception of life, in that you don't know what's in store for you, but it will happen with or without your consent. The only thing you have control over is the quality of life that you live.
7. There is not a time when I am not thinking about love, it stays on my brain.

Who cares?

People will always have an opinion about you. It can be a negative opinion or positive opinion. It can be some truth in it or not. Either way, at the end of the day another person's opinion of you should not move you unless you want it to. I want people to think the best of me, but honestly, I am not always at my best so expecting someone to ALWAYS have a positive view of you is not realistic. I hold myself in high esteem and regard so I really could care less about what anyone else thinks at the end of the day. That comes from knowing who you are.

WIDE OPEN

People will try to put up masks to hide their flaws, insecurities, fears, shortcomings, etc. I am learning to snatch away all the falsehoods and expose myself for the sake of healing another. My tough exterior was a hiding place for me and behind it hid, me, a woman who was so weakened by the cards that life had dealt me. It is amazing to me how people don't want to uncover their issues. They want to suffer alone thinking they are the only one who deal with personal demons . I've come to find on my beautiful struggle towards my true self, people are prone to be forthcoming with their issues once you've exposed your issues to them... it's almost like a, " You tell me, then I'll tell you," syndrome, a safety blanket of sorts. We are put here to help each other and a huge part of that help involves learning from each others experiences. When I was going through a major life changing event, I felt alone & isolated, much of which I brought on myself by not speaking out due to a fear of being judged. What I discovered is opening up provided a release for me and allowed me to breathe. I was holding in a lot of anger that was literally driving me insane. Once I got over that fear of being judged and focused on my need for help, I found I was able to share a little bit more of what I was going through. And much to my surprise, I got a lot of great advice from women who had experienced what I was going through and was able to help me through this process. We all deal with some of the same issues and need to get over how people will view us if we are exposed. My past issues have served as a refiner needed to polish me and thrust me closer into my fullness thereof. I know that before I can operate in that fullness, I have to go through experiences that are not always going to be pleasurable. These experiences are serving as a catalyst for healing me and others. I just want to somehow inspire women to open up more and share their life experiences. Don't let your fear of being judged stop you from helping a sister heal herself. You could be that source of healing. Share your stories ladies... Someone, somewhere will be inspired. My fear is that nobody will want to hear what I haveto say, but I know this is not true. I know I have a story that will provide a source of hope and healing. If it is only one that I can help along the way, I will have served my purpose to Inspire, Share & Love! Women are drawn to me for encouragement and the man in my life says it is my gift and there's nothing I can do but embrace it so with my arms and heart WIDE OPEN, I am embracing the gift.

Who is the flyest of them all???

So fly you are scent so strong, there's no way that with you I can go wrong. What you will become resembles nothing like what you started as . I could go without knowing the gory details of the process that you have to go through to become that thing I love so much, want so much and need so much. I love you in so many ways no matter how you are presented to me; I appreciate your diversity to become so tasteful and delicious......fried and floured, baked or steamed, I love you Chicken, you'll never know what you mean.

First Love is Self Love.....

Is it possible to be in love if you haven't experienced the love of yourself. Love comes from within and if there's no love for self within how can one LOVE FOR REAL?! Just a thought!

Let's Go Green!!!!

There's never been a time when I yielded with you. My light has been green since the day I met you. I didn't put on the red and let my love go stopping for nothing, I stayed in that flow. With you I could clearly understand the pause, I was dropped on you before you knew what to do. It all felt right and we both felt the same way, but still you yielded and I went green all the way. There were times when I wanted to go red, but you said fall and I trusted what you said. I never let my fear get the best of me. I was scared of the feelings, but I knew my heart was willing and ready for your healing. I stayed on green and went with what I was feeling, and til this day, I never had a regret. I know what's in your heart but this fear you have needs to disappear. I'm giving you the greenlight and okay to go, don't put on your brakes and yield, just go ahead and trust how you feel. It's been a year so dispel the fear take off your breaks so we can take this love thing all the way.

In love with a woman!

I'm in love with a woman. She is everything I've been on a search for. When I found her, she completed that inner part of me that was always searching for that "something" and didn't know it was me I was searching for all along. It's like I'd always known her, but could never make that connection. It was always something missing and it was at arms reach, but there was a mental block keeping me from finding her. Everything about her is familiar to me. There's not a moment when I don't feel comfortable around her. When I look at her, I smile and see the God inside of her. I realize that she's always been there, I just didn't recognize her. Beauty radiates from her, power possesses her, love is natural for her. This girl, is me. Today , when I look in the mirror I see one of God's master pieces... forming me from nothing yet I've become this intricate design of something special and I've recognized my own beauty and worth. My path is unfolding right before me, my past getting further behind me. My future is gazing in front of me. I'm closing in on my destiny. Yes, quite the masterpiece, still discovering what it is to be me. Loving me more each day, this love affair with myself will never go away. I finding more of myself everyday. I've not always felt this way, for years I've hid from myself. Now, I've been exposed to me, and am visible to all who have appreciation and love for the woman that I am. NO more hiding; I'm free to be me. Love found me when I fell in love with me!

Sweet September ;-)

WOW, how time flies when LOVE overtakes, engulfs and casts its spell on you. Although I seem to in the past have been unlucky in love; I never doubted that love existed or wouldn't happen for me. There may have been a brief moment that I may have been anxious for it to arrive; however, those moments were short lived and replaced with affirmations beckoning love to make its way to me. Not just any kind of love, but a love that so closely resembled my ideal of love that I would recognize it with my eyes closed. Someone who would literally love the outter and inner parts of me allowing me to be the me I'd fell in love with. Someone who would accept me flaws and all. Someone who was on a path of finding the same exact kinda love I was longing for. I wrote letters to this man before I knew him. I loved him before our hearts connected. I knew what his love felt like before I experienced it. I craved his embrace not knowing what it felt like. I longed for him not having spent time with him. I just "knew" that my kind of love was out there somewhere and it took me believing this, speaking this and seeing it happen before it actually did. I knew when it come, everything in my entire being would bear witness. It is so overwhelming that God put such a pefect match together. Oh how sweet it is to experience love on this level, in this way, everyday. It is the ultimate love experience and the best ride of my life. To my precious gift, my desire made manifest in the flesh, I love you so much and am anxious for the next level of US together. Truly, it is going to be magical experience of love ascending to the highest level... I shudder to think about it!!!

OLD BLOG

My feelings to have. My feelings to share. My feelings to express, understand if you dare. The world so cold with no one to hold. To keep me safe from danger found all over the place. Love has come but it leaves me alone. It takes hold then breaks free. It sees future, I see now. Reality is in my face and what's to come leaves me numb. Not knowing but having hope takes guts and faith. My faith wavers for anxiousness of what's next. Did my ship sail and leave me shipwrecked? Grab a lifejacket to save myself from misery no matter how happy I seem to be lonliness manages to take hold and leave me almost breathless. Breaking free from its hold proves to be awfully bold. Peace if only I could just release the major part of me. Hold on stay strong your day is coming seems to be echoing beneath the shadows.....

My Same Revisited.....

Gut wrenching, heart dropping, unbearable pain is what is feels like to be seperated from my same.

In my life I want him to remain.

His presence in my life can be taken for granted no more, he is the man I truly adore.

Like petals on a flower and branches to a tree, he was created and divinely purposed for me.

He adds to me in so many ways, God knew I needed him in my life to help me live out my best days.

He is the air I breathe the very essence of the deepest part of me.

Fulfilling me in ways that I thought I was complete, he knows how to bring out the best in me.

When I stopped looking, he walked through the door, I can't ask God for anything more.

He and I together a force so strong, walking into destiny together, we won't go wrong.

From this day forward I will give God praise, he's blessed me with Marcell, my same.

Good Riddance Last Week

Okay, last week was a very trying, revealing and emotionally grueling week for me. Space was asked of me and I granted it. The initial request for space was asked for without very little explanation so of course, this sent my mind spinning like a ferris wheel. I didn't know if this request had anything to do with me or what. Without explanation, my mind went from is this the beginning of a breakup to worry and concern? I was literally overcome with fear of abandonment that I thought I'd overcome from previous childhood issues and past relationship woes. Abandonment slapped me right in the face and I was forced to battle with it all over again. I am now convinced that this man was put in my life to help me to complete my healing. When he told my pastor about me, he was told that I was his assignment. I had no clue what that meant, but I now know. He is forcing me to face any residule issues that may be lingering over from my past and causing me to purge myelf completely so that I can reall be WHOLE! As it turns out, this request for space may have had something to do with me, but mostly was due to a man who is constantly giving of himself and not putting anything back in. I can imagine him feeling suffocated by WORK, KIDS and unfortunately, me. He needed time and space from me and this took nothing from what we have. It just may have enhanced it. A lot of feelings surfaced last week, but I am glad this is a new week and the time and space needed was given. I will see my sweetie today and we will talk.

.....I want to!!!

Things I want to do:

1.) Write a book of my own personal quotations and explanations of them.

2.) Go on a seven day cruise with my favorite guy.

3.) Open up a very cool and trendy & artsy coffee shop which would serve as a place for poets to come and spit their poems, a computer hub and hangout spot.

4.) Become a lover of exercise where I exercise at least five times a day.

5.) Quit my job and become self employed.

6.) Attend a art class to hone my artistic abilities.

7.) Go on a vacation with my sisters and my mom.

8.) Be married to the man of my dreams so we can walk in our dreams together building a great life for our children.

9.) Write a book with my favorite guy about relationships.

10.) Buy my own HOME!