Fatherless!

My dad and I aren't on speaking terms; this was a choice that I was forced to make after he made a comment about the gap in between my teeth. The relationship wasn't healthy and he wasn't doing anything to ensure that it ever would be. Every chance he gets, he belittles me, or makes a derrogatory comment about my personal appearance. All of my insecurities and low self esteem issues were brought on by him. You expect that in the streets, but not from someone who is supposed to protect you and shield you from the streets. It was I who reached out to him out of all five kids he had.........I was the one who visisted him when he came to town, or made calls to check to him. I've never felt a father daughter connection with my dad. I long for that type of connection. I can fool myself and say it's not necessary at this point in my life, but if that's the case, why do I cry when I see a father and daughter interacting in a way that I long for with my dad??? As for right now, I am okay, but I don't think that desire for "TRUE" father daughter relationship will ever go away. For all of you ladies, and girls out here in the blogosphere who happens to read this and have a dad who puts forth effort, cherish that.

Breakdown in Relationships: Part II

In part one, I gathered the thoughts of both men and women as to whether they thought all men cheated, and while the responses were different, they were similiar in that all men struggle with issues of cheating but not all act out. A lot of them do, and those are the men I wish to talk to find out what drives them to that point, if anything. I know of relationships where men have good women but that urge to cheat clouds their judgement, and they end up risking a good thing by succumbing to a few seconds of pleasure. What disturbs me further is the fact that these men say, " It meant nothing." If it means nothing then why even go there???

This is where I have an issue. If you do something, do it with a purpose and an intent behind it. The act of sex is treated as if it means nothing. It is one of the most spiritual acts between two people that can be performed, and for us to treat it so casually and do it with " NO PURPOSE" shows ignorance. While speaking to someone on this issue, they said that men are able to seperate their emotions, so for a man to engage in a sexual act with a woman with no feelings attached is normal. As for a woman, it is different. We are so emotionally involved in everything we do, it's hard for us to have casual sex with no feelings or emotions. Now that I think about it, what he said makes a lot of sense, but still.....

If you are in a relationship with someone, a committed relationship, I don't feel that having sex outside the confines of that relationship is right. IF you love, cherish, honor and respect this person, you will "think" carefully before you risk losing her, or causing her to hurt in a way that you know she will if she finds out you've cheated. Cheating to me is a symptom of an already present problem be it with the relationship, or the person who is doing the cheating. Men by nature are hunters, but at some point the hunter puts down his gun. You should get tired of the chase and be ready to enjoy what you've caught. Is nothing ever good enough?

Relationships are a challenge, and anyone who enjoys a challenge like myself should strive to do what they can to make sure that relationship is gratifying in EVERYWAY. I think couples become complacent and don't strive to make it work. We get caught up in the daily grind of life, and our relationships suffer. Instead of coming together, we grow further and further apart thus leading us to seek outside fulfillment. If we put our relationships at the forefront and give as much energy and attention to it, then I believe some of this infidelity can be avoided. Now this isn't for those people who are going to cheat happy or not. These are for those who fall prey to cheating due to not being fulfilled or not happy within the confines of their relationship due to not giving it the adequate attention and time.

Anything you have to give time and energy to should be considered an investment. An investment: a devoting, using, or giving of time, talent, emotional energy, etc., as for a purpose or to achieve something: His investment in the project included more time than he cared to remember.

I personally am in love with a man that I prayed for, and that God graciously blessed me. God invested that man to me so I have to put in the time & emotional energy to achieve greatness in area of this relationship . This means I have to be attentive to his needs, wants and desires. I have to be there for him to talk to. I have to be there physically so that we can connect on a spiritual level for the purpose of becoming closer. It's more than us providing each other with the physical element. This relationship will be a blessing to the kingdom. I take my relationship seriously. So I will do what it takes to ensure it's longevity and success.

Things to do to ensure success and longevity:

1.) Whatever activities you spent together doing when you were dating, you should still make time for. If you went out to parks, lunch dates, clubs or dinner, you still should do that.

2.) Take random trips. These don't have to be luxurious trips that will break the bank. A one day getaway to the closest state will do the trick. Sometimes getting away from your normal surroundings does a whole lot.

3.) Spend time talking and reconnecting. Communication is so very important in a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to express your inner most thoughts and feelings.

4.) LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH ------- I am so lucky to be with a man who makes me laugh. We spend a great deal of our time together joking around and laughing. Rarely do you see us and we are grinning about jokes shared between the two us or something out of the blue he's done to make me smile. I don't care where we are, we are able to enjoy each others company. The company of others is OKAY, but we truly enjoy each other.

5.) Take yourself out of the equation and think about the other party. Sometimes we can become so narcissistic that we forget about others. When you are in a relationship, you have to become selfless. I look at it this way, if you give of yourself, you will get in return.

6.) Be spontaneous and spur of the moment. Not everything has to be planned. That takes the joy out of it. Every now and again, surprise your boo with something special.

7.) Don't like to get into others bedrooms, but I will say this..............be willing to explore and go beyond missionary. There is no bounds between you are your mate. Be open minded.... :)

8.) Being spiritually connected is vital. I don't care what your religious background is, you both should be able to thank God and continue to ask him to bless your union.

More coming soon.........

Breakdown in Relationships: Part I

A relationship between a man and a woman is the most beautiful connection that I've witnessed, and also the most complicated. Men & women don't understand each other. We are the same in so many ways yet as different as the taste between a lemon & an orange. I think this is where the breakdown begins. We simply don't understand how the other thinks. A many of books have been written to try to help us gain insight into the minds of each other; however, it hasn't been enough to help us understand each other any more than before the books were written. I have asked this age old question to both men and women alike and the answers vary greatly. That question is:

Do all men cheat and why?

Below are a few responses from a few men and a few women.

Male's Response # 1

All men don’t cheat. All men think about cheating at one time or another, but all men don’t actually do it. (Mike N)

Male Response # 2

Ok! to answer your first question of do all men cheat? NO! but unfortunately it’s more that do than don’t.
Why? Well that’s a complicated answer so let me do the best I can.
First, we gotta be able to distinguish men from boys and imma talk about boys first. Boys cheat whenever an opportunity arises and they can get they thang wet. It’s no rhyme or reason to why a boy cheats. Sometimes it’s for bragging rights, sometimes it’s for something new and sometimes it’s just because a girl was there and the boy merely doesn’t know how to say no unless you’re asking him a question like, “will you take me out to eat first” (lol – that’s not really funny…but it’s the truth). But we not go waist a lot of time on boys because you can tell a boy from the first time he opens his mouth.
Why do MEN cheat is something different, in my opinion. First of all, contrary to popular belief, men have emotions too and if you have a man then you got yourself a good thing. So the way to keep a man is not just through his stomach but through his heart. You gotta communicate with a man. You gotta be open with a man. And anytime you close a door and not allow that man inside of that space, then you push him away. These women now a days are ruthless and look to take yo man so think about that too. Not only that but men aint the only ones cheatin either, but that’s another question that I want YOU to answer for me later on. ANYWAY, you can’t open up to a man in the beginning and do all this for him and all that for him and think that once you all get comfortable with each other then you can start slacking. You have to ALWAYS be on your job and up on your game. Women like to put their game face on in the beginning which attracts us, but then once you get us then you wanna take your game face off and put on your poker face. that don’t work with us. If you really want your MAN not to cheat, then keep it exciting for him. Do things new and spontaneous. Stop making excuses. Stop being so insecure. As gentleman as a man can be he still like that “freak” in you so regardless of how YOU think you look, put on some’m risqué from time to time. Believe me, a MAN knows how to find beauty in his lady and it aint on the surface but what’s under it that makes beauty. Don’t just say I love you but show it. Above all LISTEN to him. Even if you don’t fully agree or understand what he’s saying off top, just take yourself out of self and try seeing things through another eye. You’ll find we (men and women) are not that different. We want the same things you want, just in different ways.
So to answer your question of why men cheat…I can’t pin point that. But I’ve told you how to keep a man with several things to do. Now if your man cheats on you the 9 times out of 10 it’s because you didn’t listen to him when he opened up and expressed his likes and desires. Either that or you listened and didn’t act on them and somebody else did. If you did listen to him and you did act and he still cheated…then unfortunately you had yourself a boy. (Next lesson will be how to tell a boy from a man J).
Now does a man need to be in a committed relationship if he’s gonna cheat…heck naw. It aint committed if he’s not. commitment is a pledge to somebody. Now do mistakes happen, sure they do sometime. Does regrets arise, of course. But if a man KNOWS he’s gonna cheat on his woman then there’s no reason for him to even play with a woman’s heart with “commitment”. That’s really, really dangerous. Hearts are too fragile and people do some mean and evil things in behind a broken heart. Should a man be in a committed relationship if he is going to cheat? It depends on how you define “cheat”. (Keith W)

Male's Response # 3

All men DON'T cheat, and if he's going to, there's no use in being in a committed relationship. That goes against the root meaning of the term. (Martell C)

Ladies Response # 1

All men DO NOT cheat. And no, he should not be in a committed relationship if he is going to cheat – because then it wouldn’t be a ‘committed’ relationship. (Mishawn J)

Ladies Response # 2

I don’t believe all men cheat. I believe SOME men cheat. I think this is why most men are afraid of committed relationships because they already know they are capable of cheating. And from a spiritual standpoint, you have to remember that while we pray for fidelity, the devil is powerful when it comes to tempting a man because men are naturally stimulated by sight. With all the “sex sells” things out here I leave nothing to chance. Again I say, in all things stay prayerful. (Shela S.)

Ladies Response # 3

Honestly Michelle, I don’t think ALL men cheat. But the majority. You do have some men out there that are loyal to their wives or significant other. But after seeing several previous situations (including my own), I don’t put anything past them. And no a man should not be in a committed relationship if he wants to entertain other women. Now if he let it be known to his significant other that he wants to see other people or he will see other people and she accepts it, then hey, to each his own. And they cheat just because of the temptation. They can have everything they want and need at home, but just the temptation and getting the attention from other women will drive them there. It’s sad. (Michelle P.)

I want to understand why people cheat, men in particuarly. The statement most prevelant in all these answers is the fact that ALL of these folks believe that not while ALL men cheat, the MAJORITY does. I want to comprehend what thoughts men have before they cheat, if they feel bad during, and if they have no feelings for these ladies then WHY???

Male Response # 1 on WHY???

He watched the good guys and see what happens to them. I am scared to get cheated on. SO the women, they don't F*** with me, they know I'll change it up on them. Jeff B. Sr.

Male Response # 2

Because of lack of self-control... when I see something that I want, I go for it and worry about the consequences afterwards. Jeff B.

Male Response # 3

For different reasons: greedy, temptation. Being spiteful and not trusting the one that we're with and it's easy. Aric F.

I want to know if there is any time in a man's life where he is ever completely satisified with one woman ????

PART II COMING soon.

Flu Shot

Today my company offered everyone "free" flu shots, and I just went and got mine. YIPPPEEE! I've had the flu one time and never want to go through that again so whatever precautionary measures "I" need to take to never get the flu again, I am game. Now that H1N1 vaccine is a whole different topic. I think this one flu shot should cover me for both and if it doesn't prayer and positive thinking will. Cheers to wellness!!!

What's your addiction?

Addictions are things we fall prey to and allow to CONTROL and CONSUME us. It becomes a "Can't Help It, " and the urge takes over us so strongly that we resist. Some of these addictions can be deadly, and cause us to lose things that are near and dear to us including our lives and families. A person can start off doing these things as a form of entertainment, but quickly become caught up in its spell. Without help, these addictions can completely cause us to spiral out of control losing sight of everything that is important. The good thing is help is out there, but most times denial causes a person not to seek help. WE will neglect our jobs, our children, our spouses, to satisfy our addictions. These addictions not only hurt the person who has the addiction but the people who have to sit by and watch you spiral out of control. It's a sad thing to sit back and watch a person allow THINGS to take control over them to a point they won't say NO! They can't say no. People with addictions are lacking something internally but look outside for gratification. Until they come to grips with the real issue " THEMSELVES" they will always attach to something... that results in an addiction. Praying for all the addicted folks.

Dear Mom & Dad,

I would like to say I love you both with everything that is within me & as much as I know how. You may not have been the best parents or been there for me as a child like I wanted you to, but as I've grown and matured, I've learned a valuable lesson and that is, "People love on the level that they know how." It may not be to my liking or to my understanding, but it's the best they KNOW how to do in that moment. God assigned you guys to me for a reason! It was not for me to choose my parent, and I can't go back and rewrite history nor do I think I want to because everything about me would change, and I love who I am and don't think I would change to past to create a different future. Growing up, you guys created a very dysfunctional space for me to live in. I had to endure countless nights of hearing you argue, fuss and fight physically. I was frightended and didn't quite understand it all. I understood the definition of peace by hearing it in church. I knew I was not experiencing it but had to sense enough to pray and ask God for it. It came but not when or how I wanted it to.

It was PEACE though, and I've grown to become great friends of it. Because I know what peace is, I now know why you left mom. I know you left to maintain your sanity because dad did everything in his power to make sure you had none. The fights grew brutal and mom you were put at deaths door because of these beatings. Dad, you did everything in your power to make sure we had no peace. Everything ended in a fight. You and mom fought about everything. I am old enough to remember you trying to drive away from it all and mom coming after you to put fire on a already blazing flame. Most kids want their parents to stay together, but I knew you guys weren't good for each other, and somebody would have to leave. I was okay with that. I wouldn't have wanted you guys to stay together JUST so I could be happy. I was happy to not have to hear the fighting, arguing, cursing, and name calling. I was happy to see you guys happy even if that meant you being seperated and divorced.

Because of you and mom, I learned as an adult facing a divorce not to stay because of my kids! You want to create wholeness for your kids, and wholeness sometimes means leaving. I know kids will heal because mine did. I am happy to say that I learned from from dysfunction that:Scars will be left, but healing will and can take place. I have learned to forgive all the empty promises made by both of you to me. I've forgiven the bad childhood that I had to endure because of you two. I have forgiven you BOTH! Both of you had a part to play and I can't blame just one person. I don't know what all went on behind closed doors, I just know both of you were to blame. I love you both still and in spite of. I will not hold on to the past but will let go freeing myself, and freeing you. MOM you had issues and DAD you had issues and it wasn't until you completely seperated that your issues were resolved. Children look to their parents as their everything and in doing that we are let down because as much as I wanted to believe you guys were super heroes, I had to learn that you are but mere mortals just like me who makes mistakes, tell lies, break promises, because I too have done it. Not on purpose or to bring hurt or harm, but because we are all human. I'm learning as I go while forgiving and letting go. Hurt people hurt people and I don't want to hurt anyone. Karma is a mug.

Boils down to selfishness.....

NEWSFLASH TO ALL SELFISH ASS FOLKS, this world doesn't revolve around you and you alone. You will have to make adjustments sometimes in life that aren't necessarily comfortable. You have to learn to go with the flow sometimes. If God wanted the world to flow for you alone, you would have been the only person He made.

*One thing about all selfish people I know is that they are ONLY happy when everything is going their way. When things don't go their way, it's like a switch button turns off and they CHANGE completely. One minute they can be the sweetest person around, then they turn into the opposite. I've witnessed this countless times. This is the one thing all SELFISH people have in common.

*Selfish people do things for their own personal gaining caring nothing about other people around them. They usually don't do it if they don't benefit directly.

* Selfish people hate being told NO! If the answer isn't YES, they are mad at the person in which is saying NO!!!! They want people to move heaven and earth to make sure the answer is yes, even if it can't be moved.

* They care about their own happiness and very little about anyone elses. As long as they are happy in a situation they feel like everyone else can and should adapt.

Barack & Michelle

As I was watching CNN this morning, my admiration and respect for the first couple, Barack & Michelle was rekindled. I love how they are in tune with each other, how they work together as a team, & how they make sure their family comes first. Even though he is president of the United States, he makes his love for his wife, and kids known. Not only does he make it known verbally, but his actions towards her speaks volumes. He gives her those silent glances & touches her gently in the small of her back in a way that even I can sense the potency of his love and respect for her. They are the epitome of what I want my relationship to be. Because of them, I know it is possible to have a relationship that works, and is healthy. Yes, they have mentioned they are looked at as the perfect couple; however, they've had issues, but again, I admire them because they work "together."

As my relationship grows, I look to them as a blueprint on which to pattern my relationship after. He is a powerful black man and most powerful black men have this stigma as being womanizers, not being able to hold down a family and be powerful & successful at the same time, but so far, Barack as defied those odds. Like Barack & Michelle, my babe and I went on our first date and have been going strong every sense. I strive to be like Michelle. I will be a source of strength and support to my baby that he needs to get him through. I plan to continue to uplift him when he feels down. I plan on loving him when he doesn't feel loveable. I plan to be a light when the world feels dark. I will make sure he KNOWS his power, his strength and his greatness. Our first couples marriage should serve as a great example of marriage and love amongst black couples.

Growing up, I didn't see many examples of good marriages. They were far and few between, so seeing our first couple makes me strive to make my relationship work even more, to not just settle in a relationship but to be truly happy. Most couples seem to exist and not have a fulfillment of joy in a relationship as it should be. The love is lost and they miss out on the endless possiblilities of being together, enjoying each others company, and having a true love experience. I will not lose hope that all these things are possible. Barack & Michelle serve as a hope. I want a love like theirs, one that even surpasses the love they have.

Marcell & Michelle

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

So

The above (?) is a lingering question that occupies the space in my head, takes over my thoughts and leaves me in a state of constant wonder. Now more than ever, I'm asked this question by others, and my answer remains unchanged at, " When he's ready?" Really, it isn't my call, and I am not the chic to press the issue; you can call it pride or tradition either way, that is a question I want to be asked. I would be lying if I said that the uncertainty of what's next for us didn't drive me delirious or eat away at me. When will that future he talks about meet my present that I daydream about? It's not my call because tradition makes it his. I know that with him, timing is everything. When he does finally ask me, I know HE will truly be ready and I can wait because I want him to be "TRULY" ready. But still again, I am left with, "When will the time come? Tick tock tick tock when will that time land on the clock.I'm most happy right now, but am looking for that happiness to erupt on a different level. So, the question still remains.....the future knows what it holds, he knows while I am left in the dark.